Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Welcome to Bizarro World

Part 1. I walk into work this morning and I see this at my desk:

There's a chocolate chip cookie cake, too. Which is SUPER nice and SUPER thoughtful except that ... TODAY'S NOT MY BIRTHDAY! Ha ha ha ha. At first I was like, should I pretend it is so they don't feel bad? Should I not say anything? What??? I'm like, "Um ... guys ..." and then everyone starts laughing, because they'd figured it out by the time I stumbled in five give-or-take-a-couple minutes late as usual. It's someone ELSE's birthday today, and they got ours mixed up. It was sooooo funny. I thought it was really sweet--I'm not sure how the other guy felt when he took a piece of cake with my name on it, though. Ha ha.

OK, Part 2. The FREAKY part! So I go to grab a sandwich for lunch. I order my very boring plain turkey on wheat with mustard on the side, which is an unnecessary detail, I suppose, except to demonstrate what a totally basic thing I ordered. I step off to the side to wait. I look around, and I see it: a dollar bill, folded in half, on the ground in front of me.

Several thoughts go through my head:

"Is that mine? No, it's not mine."
"Ooh, a dollar! I want it!"
"No, I can't have it. Someone will see me pick it up and it'll be totally embarrassing."
"I should pick it up and give it to the cashier and tell her someone dropped it."
"Why isn't anyone ELSE picking it up?!?"

Seriously. TONS of people were walking by and looking at it, and NO ONE picked it up. Little kids included. Everyone just sort of looked at it, went, "Huh," and kept walking. Then a guy who works there comes by. He bends down, and I think, "FINALLY! Someone's gonna pick it up!" Instead, he touches it, looks up at me, and says, "I just wanted to make sure it was real since no one was picking it up." Me: "So why don't YOU pick it up?" He looks at me and shakes his head: "I'll just leave it."

By now, this whole thing is starting to get weird. Really weird. For one thing, I've been waiting forever. It does NOT take that long to make a plain turkey sandwich. For another, WHY WON'T ANYONE PICK UP THE DOLLAR BILL? Me included?!?!

And then it gets a whole lot weirder. I hear a voice off to the side: "Pick it up."

I turn, and there's a guy in a black leather jacket perched on a table against the wall. "What?" I say.

"Pick it up."

"YOU pick it up."

He shakes his head. "It's yours."

I laugh. "How do you figure?"

"Because," he says, all matter-of-factly. "Do you ever wish you had more money?"

"Well ... I mean ... yeah. I guess. Doesn't everyone?"

He gives me a look. "Well, there it is. There's your money."

"A dollar?" In my head, I'm seriously like, you've got to be kidding me.

"Just pick it up," he says.

"I'll split it with you," I say. "I'll give you 50 cents."

"Pick it UP already," he says again.

"All right, fine." So I pick it up, and he walks over to me and tells me he's a love and attraction coach, and if I bless the dollar and think of what I wish for right before I spend it, it will come to me.

"I can't keep it," I say.

"You HAVE to," he says. "It's YOURS. It came to YOU."

I look at the dollar. I look at him. I look at the dollar again. "So I have to make sure I spend it on something really special?"

"No," he says. "You just have to make sure you put it back into the world with INTENT."

I look at the dollar again. "I feel like I should buy something meaningful with it or something."

He shrugs. "Buy a lottery ticket."

And then he grabs his food and sashays right past me, but not before leaning in and saying, "Congratulations on your big win!"

I'm not even kidding, it was like something out of a movie. Like he was a ghost and I was the only person who could see him or something. It was SO WEIRD!

But I am still totally going and buying a lottery ticket tonight. How can I not? The jackpot is, like, 370 MILLION FREAKING DOLLARS, too. If I win $370 million, I will give $50,000 to every single person who comments on this post. For real.



At 5:17 PM, Blogger BeckyD said...

You really should work on Thank You more often. They tried to give you a cake, and MOney and you tried to give them both back.

I think the proper response it Thank you....sucker! LOL

At 6:00 PM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

You are soooo going to win the lottery now that you promised everyone 50 Gs... If you give me 100 Gs, I promise I won't post on MM for everyone to come over here for a chance to win $50,000...

Tell me you spent it already on that winning ticket, Charlie Bucket!

At 6:01 PM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

Oh, I think the guy planted it there to check out your ass.

Was he cute, at least?

At 7:08 PM, Blogger TTQ said...

Pay it forward... you buy a lotto ticket the money goes through the state as revenue, you are helping society..if you win and give everybody 50g's..you make alot of us bloggers VERY happy!

I would buy a car(Jaguar X-type) and get a customized tag that says: SWISHY. The rest would go for redecorating/remodeling on the house. And I would plant a tree in your honor in my yard. You can pick the color of the car and the type of tree.

At 7:21 PM, Anonymous Eileen said...

Okay- just cuz Manic posted twice doesn't mean she gets 100gs does it?

At 7:31 PM, Blogger CruiserMel said...

Okay, I'm commenting just so I can lay claim to the $50K. Just joshin. No, actually I thought you were going to say you were on candid camera or America's Funniest Videos. Hey, maybe you were. Now THAT'S creepy!

At 8:08 PM, Blogger Melissa said...

Hi, I'm Melissa! You don't have to give me money. The good reading material is enough. :)

So, did you buy your ticket yet?

At 8:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Too bad you live in a state that plays PowerBall and not MegaMillions. Powerball is $120 mil and is drawn tomorrow night. But still put me down for $50k. Hell, I worked with you, I deserve at least $100k!

At 9:51 PM, Blogger Jenster said...


(Does that count as a comment?)

At 10:04 PM, Anonymous Slick said...

Well, I'll agree. That IS freaky.

I mean, wheat bread?? Yuck!

At 11:48 PM, Anonymous ramblin rose said...

Mustard on the side??? Do you dip the sand in??

Way to freaky.... I was thinking it was that MTV show that does stuipid stuff just to piss people off.....

can I have my 50K in pennies???

At 11:54 PM, Blogger Swishy said...

TTQ! You're cracking me up. I think everyone should have to get a SWISHY vanity plate with their new car now. AND a tree. Definitely!

OK, so I got my ticket. I can play either Mega or Powerball where I live, but I was tired and I didn't want to drive as far, so I got a Powerball one while I was at the grocery store across the street from my house. It's still $120 million, though! I told the dollar that I hoped it brought someone else luck before I gave it to the guy at the counter. He looked at me like I was insane. HA. I might be crazy, but I'm about to be a multimillionaire, beeeeyotch!

At 11:56 PM, Blogger Swishy said...

In pennies! Ha ha.

I get it on the side so I can put it on myself. They always put on too much. Yes, I'm neurotic. Just a touch :)

At 3:24 AM, Anonymous Liz said...

I read this all the time and yet I've never commented before. Hmm, why is that, I wonder? Anyway, hi!

At 6:58 AM, Blogger Beth said...

ooh, I can use that $50,000!!! and you should have seen the long line of people playing the lottery yesterday! I forgot...can't win if you don't play.

swish...the wierdest things happen to you...I swear you're Jim carrey in that wierd movie where his life was a reality show or something like that...I can't remember the name of it. But I am gonna start channel surfing to find your show!!! ;)

At 9:06 AM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

OK, SLICK is SOOOO funny! I was laughing so hard about the wheat bread comment. And Slick, I went over to your blog and read a lot of it, but really, I was kinda afraid to comment over there with all the porn talk and stuff.

I'm kinda innocent!

At 9:42 AM, Blogger Kari Lee Townsend said...

Oh god, too funny. Very freaky but cool. I'm with Manic, it was a plant by cute guy;)

At 9:50 AM, Blogger Karen said...

That always happens when I see money on the ground/floor, etc. I always think Alan Funt (or for you youngsters Ashton Kutcher) is going to jump out with a camera.

I once found $20 on the ground at a concert and felt really bad about picking it up. For a second I considered sort of saying in a loud voice to the people circulating around us, "Did anyone lose $20?" until I realized how stupid that would be. Unless people are more honest than I think. So I kept it. I didn't do anything altruistic with it. I think we spent it on beer or possibly a t-shirt. Oh, the shame. :)

At 11:23 AM, Blogger Senor Beavis said...

I was reading and thinking, "Aren't you two supposed to make out at the end of the story?" I guess that's the product of too many movies.

I'm going to have to pass on the "SWISHY" vanity plate since it would probably severly impede my ability to get a date. :)

At 11:43 AM, Blogger kim said...

Do you think he put it there as his own little expiriment? And so he could pass on his intention message?

Oh, I see manic and kari already think so too -- great minds ;o).

I can't wait for my 50 thousand -- I'm going to redo my kitchen.

At 3:29 PM, Blogger wheresjack19 said...

Why do interesting things always happen to you? Can't wait to get my $50,000!! I think I will go on a shopping spree!

At 6:52 PM, Blogger Frannie Farmer said...

Dang girl .. you meet the most interesting (strange?) people ever ... I think you should write a bok about your odd encounters, really - I do!

At 8:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Whoa that is crazy times! A love and attraction coach? That's a job? I so hope you win the lottery with your lucky dollar ;)

At 10:12 PM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

So, I'm guessing *we* didn't win? Either that, or YOU did win, and you've left town!

You never told us if he was cute or not!

Hey! There's an idea--plant a dollar bill with YOUR name and phone number near some hot guys!!!

I like the way I think!

At 12:26 AM, Anonymous citygirl said...

You know, oddly enough I've heard of the whole 'love and attraction' coach thing. Something about whatever you put out into the Universe, it will come back to you, etc. It's intesting, if it works. I hope it works for you! :) Good luck! :o)

At 12:45 AM, Blogger Swishy said...

Hi to the new people!

OK, Beth--the Truman Show, right? That would explain SO MUCH! Oh, my gosh, I'm not even kidding.

Aren't we supposed to make out at the end of the story ... ha ha ha ha.

And yeah, Manic, you are sooo innocent! HA.

The more I think about it, the more the "plant" theory is starting to make a lot of sense ...

At 4:59 PM, Blogger Tanya said...

So have you shown up on any weird hidden camera video shows yet?


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