(Previous installments here and here.)
So ... I'm driving down the road yesterday and I see this RIDICULOUS car. It's got, like, the little shark fin things, whatever they're called, and huge red letters on both windshields, and a spoiler the size of a kindergartener on the back. There's also a series of mirrors going down the driver's side. And you KNOW the bass is thumping like two elephants having sex.
"Nice try, dude," I say out loud. Because I know EXACTLY what kind of guy drives this kind of car. (The chance of a woman being behind the wheel of that car, by the way, is roughly the same as Patrick Dempsey moving in next door.)
I pull up next to him and he's everything I imagine and then some. And since a picture is worth 1,000 words (trust me), I'm like, I SO have to take a picture of him and his car. So I grab my camera out of my bag, look up ... and he's totally slowed down. He's like three cars back now. So I strategize. I move into his lane to let the cars behind me pass, then I get back into the left lane and slow way, way, way down, until I'm going 20 miles an hour in a 50. I practically put on my brakes and park in the middle of the road to wait for him. And finally, he pulls up next to me and I make my move.
Ahhh! Crap! I only got the very front! I'm suffering from premature picture taking! I go to try again and he SEES ME TRYING TO TAKE A PICTURE OF HIM. And he's PISSED. He speeds up and then CUTS ME OFF as I try to get onto the highway, glaring at me the whole way. So I have to go up to the next light and turn around, and by the time I get on the highway he's miles and miles away.
But then I think, HA! He thinks he deterred Swishy, but I am toooooo smart for that! Because I have his car in my side mirror! I can crop the picture and zoom in and still have a pretty decent shot of the front of his car. The gist of it, anyway. So that's what I do.
That's when I realize that, not only am I a complete menace on the roads, I'm an IDIOT, too, because that car in my side mirror is the one BEHIND his. OBVIOUSLY, because, duh, his car is right next to mine.
I was so proud of myself, too, for my amazing ingenuity. Ha ha.
Anyway, I know this guy who has a similar car. My friend says every time she sees him pull away in it, she wants to yell after him, "I'm sorry about your penis!!!"
That's basically the moral of this story.