Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Stalkerazzi returns!

(Previous installments here and here.)

So ... I'm driving down the road yesterday and I see this RIDICULOUS car. It's got, like, the little shark fin things, whatever they're called, and huge red letters on both windshields, and a spoiler the size of a kindergartener on the back. There's also a series of mirrors going down the driver's side. And you KNOW the bass is thumping like two elephants having sex.

"Nice try, dude," I say out loud. Because I know EXACTLY what kind of guy drives this kind of car. (The chance of a woman being behind the wheel of that car, by the way, is roughly the same as Patrick Dempsey moving in next door.)

I pull up next to him and he's everything I imagine and then some. And since a picture is worth 1,000 words (trust me), I'm like, I SO have to take a picture of him and his car. So I grab my camera out of my bag, look up ... and he's totally slowed down. He's like three cars back now. So I strategize. I move into his lane to let the cars behind me pass, then I get back into the left lane and slow way, way, way down, until I'm going 20 miles an hour in a 50. I practically put on my brakes and park in the middle of the road to wait for him. And finally, he pulls up next to me and I make my move.

Ahhh! Crap! I only got the very front! I'm suffering from premature picture taking! I go to try again and he SEES ME TRYING TO TAKE A PICTURE OF HIM. And he's PISSED. He speeds up and then CUTS ME OFF as I try to get onto the highway, glaring at me the whole way. So I have to go up to the next light and turn around, and by the time I get on the highway he's miles and miles away.

But then I think, HA! He thinks he deterred Swishy, but I am toooooo smart for that! Because I have his car in my side mirror! I can crop the picture and zoom in and still have a pretty decent shot of the front of his car. The gist of it, anyway. So that's what I do.

That's when I realize that, not only am I a complete menace on the roads, I'm an IDIOT, too, because that car in my side mirror is the one BEHIND his. OBVIOUSLY, because, duh, his car is right next to mine.

I was so proud of myself, too, for my amazing ingenuity. Ha ha.

Anyway, I know this guy who has a similar car. My friend says every time she sees him pull away in it, she wants to yell after him, "I'm sorry about your penis!!!"

That's basically the moral of this story.


At 11:07 AM, Blogger Senor Beavis said...

Wow, I call my same feature the "Giant Douche Cam." It's usually foiled by my inability to take non-blurry pictures with my phone.

Yeah, I've always referred to my dad's cars as "replacement wang-mobiles." The funny thing is that once he gets them (not all at once, it's a succession: Porsche, Viper, giant pickup truck, etc), then he's afraid to drive them. I wonder what that means. Actually, the more I think about it, I don't want to know.

At 12:16 PM, Blogger Andie said...

that is classic. I've been busted trying to do something similar... it's always so hard to catch things on camera while driving! I'm guilty myself!

At 1:53 PM, Blogger Jenster said...

LOL!!! I used to would do something like that (is that grammatically correct?), but now I'm afraid they'll pull out a gun or something. Yeah. I'm a big chicken. I'm glad there are still brave people like you out there to keep me entertained.

Love your friend's line! Classic.

At 4:01 PM, Anonymous Eileen said...

This story totally made me spray diet coke all over my desk.

At 6:34 PM, Blogger TTQ said...

Bass thumping like two elephants having sex.. last time I encountered a guy like that.. I tried to get away from him and he was intent on following me! Because I, in my Toyota am such a babe. But seriously if his bass hadn't been perforating my ear drums to the point they were bleeding profusely, I would have liked to have yelled sorry about your penis. His car was unremarkable as was he.. poor dude.

At 7:10 PM, Blogger CruiserMel said...

Girl, people who drive those kind of cars can seriously pop a cap in yo ass.

At 9:28 PM, Blogger Beth said...

ah swish, I so want to hang out with you! you are so much fun!

At 12:03 AM, Blogger Scott, Jill, & Ryley said...

That is classic! Thanks for the laugh. Maybe it will help me get this baby out!

At 9:45 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


Guys like that NEED to have their picture taken...you were doing him a favor :D

At 7:21 PM, Blogger Kari Lee Townsend said...

LOL! You are so funny, I'm with Beth. I soooooo want to hang out with you. So, has manic convinced you to go to nationals yet?????

At 7:51 PM, Blogger Golightly said...

You are so bad ass! That is hilarious. I love the line: 2 elephants having sex - funny.

At 12:23 AM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

You are so fucking funny!

I love you!

But you know what? You're kinda stupid too. He coulda pulled out a big gun and shot the Swishter all because she wanted to take a picture for her blog fans!

But I think in the story-telling, it was SOOO worth it!!!

At 12:34 AM, Blogger Swishy said...

Ha ha ha. You guys are so nice to be worried for me, but seriously, the only thing he was packing was a big, fat inferiority complex. Trust me! (I know, famous last words ...)

Replacement wang-mobile ... ha ha.


Post a Comment

<< Home