Al Gore can suck it
Subtitled: "How Swishy came thisclose to killing someone" or "Why Indianapolis hates me."
Let's start with Indianapolis. I've been there twice now, and I'm 0-for-2. The first time, I managed to slam my head in the car door. It sounds funny, and I suppose it is, but at the time it was NOT funny at ALL! It was a total freak thing. Everything went black. The next thing I knew, I was, like, half-hanging out the car and my legs WOULD NOT LISTEN TO MY BRAIN and get in the car. I was looking at them, trying to get them to move, and they wouldn't. I ended up with a huge bump over my right eye, a big bruise on the left side, and a headache for a week. The only good thing was that a) I didn't die when I proceeded to (very stupidly) continue driving when I was still all dizzy and b) none of the security camera footage from the gas station I was at made it onto the Internet.
That was a couple of years ago. The other day, I find out that I have to leave kinda last minute for Indy again. "Don't get a concussion this time!!!" my coworkers tell me on my way out. Ha ha, I say. What could go wrong?
Well. First off, I was going on, like, three hours of sleep, which is never a good way to start a trip. Second, Indianapolis is FREAKING COLD. And I was spending a LOT of time outside. Like, several HOURS outside. I was wearing a long-sleeved tee, two fleeces and a coat, and I thought I was going to die. This is where Al Gore comes in. Al, I've got an inconvenient truth, too: sitting outside in 3-degree weather will mess with your mind in ways you never knew possible. After an hour, I ran into the closest building, found a little spot along the wall under a fire extinguisher and curled up in the fetal position on the floor. Seriously. People were, like, tripping over me as I rocked myself back and forth. It will be a very, very long while before I am able to hear the words "global warming" without looking for the nearest sharp object. It was horrrrrrrrible.
Fast forward a few hours. It only took me five minutes or so to find where I'd parked the car, so I'm thinking things are looking up. I'm going to go back to the hotel, take a hot shower, get some food (I'd eaten five Wendy's chicken nuggets at 11:30 a.m., and it was now almost 8 ... I was staaaaarving) and watch 24. Unfortunately, the six assholes who couldn't wait TWO EXTRA SECONDS to get out of the parking garage had other plans for me. They literally all went for the exit at the same time and got all tangled up, which meant no one was going anywhere. It took an HOUR AND A HALF before anyone was able to move. Did I mention that I had to pee more than I'd ever had to pee in my life? I'm sitting there, my bladder, like, bursting out of my body, watching a bunch of idiot alpha males refuse to reverse even an inch because HEAVEN FORBID someone get out ahead of them. I should be embarrasssed to admit this, but yes, I leaned on my horn. A few times. And yelled at the dashboard. And punched the poor steering wheel. I figured it was better than ramming into them and MAKING them move.
So I finally get out. I'm literally running on fumes at this point, so I have to get gas before I can go to the hotel and not watch 24. So I go the gas station and OF COURSE I happen to pick the one that's about to play host to a standoff between four cop cars and a pack of teenagers. OF COURSE I did, because nothing about this trip, not even the gas, is simple. I was just happy to escape without a gunshot wound and/or a concussion.
On the way back to the hotel, I remember another thing: I have to get facial cleanser. I remembered an extra pair of shoes, I remembered my iPod charger, I remembered several other things I didn't touch once the entire trip, but I forgot the cleanser. The first night, after desperately driving around trying to find an open Walgreen's, I resorted to using shower gel on my face. (I can't use bar soap, no, no, no way. Can't do it.) So off I go on a wild Cetaphil hunt, and FINALLY I find a place that's open. I buy the last freaking bottle in the store, which barely keeps me on the right side of the sanity line.
I get to the hotel and head for the shower. I'm too tired to stand up, so I sit in the tub under a stream of hot water for like a half an hour while I get all my shivers out. It's a little pathetic.
The next morning, I wake up and there's several inches of snow on the ground. It's coming down so hard that every time I stop at a light, I have to run out to wipe the snow off the back window.
I feel like something else happened, but I can't remember. I think maybe my brain is finally kicking in to block out the rest.