Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Al Gore can suck it

Subtitled: "How Swishy came thisclose to killing someone" or "Why Indianapolis hates me."

Let's start with Indianapolis. I've been there twice now, and I'm 0-for-2. The first time, I managed to slam my head in the car door. It sounds funny, and I suppose it is, but at the time it was NOT funny at ALL! It was a total freak thing. Everything went black. The next thing I knew, I was, like, half-hanging out the car and my legs WOULD NOT LISTEN TO MY BRAIN and get in the car. I was looking at them, trying to get them to move, and they wouldn't. I ended up with a huge bump over my right eye, a big bruise on the left side, and a headache for a week. The only good thing was that a) I didn't die when I proceeded to (very stupidly) continue driving when I was still all dizzy and b) none of the security camera footage from the gas station I was at made it onto the Internet.

That was a couple of years ago. The other day, I find out that I have to leave kinda last minute for Indy again. "Don't get a concussion this time!!!" my coworkers tell me on my way out. Ha ha, I say. What could go wrong?

Well. First off, I was going on, like, three hours of sleep, which is never a good way to start a trip. Second, Indianapolis is FREAKING COLD. And I was spending a LOT of time outside. Like, several HOURS outside. I was wearing a long-sleeved tee, two fleeces and a coat, and I thought I was going to die. This is where Al Gore comes in. Al, I've got an inconvenient truth, too: sitting outside in 3-degree weather will mess with your mind in ways you never knew possible. After an hour, I ran into the closest building, found a little spot along the wall under a fire extinguisher and curled up in the fetal position on the floor. Seriously. People were, like, tripping over me as I rocked myself back and forth. It will be a very, very long while before I am able to hear the words "global warming" without looking for the nearest sharp object. It was horrrrrrrrible.

Fast forward a few hours. It only took me five minutes or so to find where I'd parked the car, so I'm thinking things are looking up. I'm going to go back to the hotel, take a hot shower, get some food (I'd eaten five Wendy's chicken nuggets at 11:30 a.m., and it was now almost 8 ... I was staaaaarving) and watch 24. Unfortunately, the six assholes who couldn't wait TWO EXTRA SECONDS to get out of the parking garage had other plans for me. They literally all went for the exit at the same time and got all tangled up, which meant no one was going anywhere. It took an HOUR AND A HALF before anyone was able to move. Did I mention that I had to pee more than I'd ever had to pee in my life? I'm sitting there, my bladder, like, bursting out of my body, watching a bunch of idiot alpha males refuse to reverse even an inch because HEAVEN FORBID someone get out ahead of them. I should be embarrasssed to admit this, but yes, I leaned on my horn. A few times. And yelled at the dashboard. And punched the poor steering wheel. I figured it was better than ramming into them and MAKING them move.

So I finally get out. I'm literally running on fumes at this point, so I have to get gas before I can go to the hotel and not watch 24. So I go the gas station and OF COURSE I happen to pick the one that's about to play host to a standoff between four cop cars and a pack of teenagers. OF COURSE I did, because nothing about this trip, not even the gas, is simple. I was just happy to escape without a gunshot wound and/or a concussion.

On the way back to the hotel, I remember another thing: I have to get facial cleanser. I remembered an extra pair of shoes, I remembered my iPod charger, I remembered several other things I didn't touch once the entire trip, but I forgot the cleanser. The first night, after desperately driving around trying to find an open Walgreen's, I resorted to using shower gel on my face. (I can't use bar soap, no, no, no way. Can't do it.) So off I go on a wild Cetaphil hunt, and FINALLY I find a place that's open. I buy the last freaking bottle in the store, which barely keeps me on the right side of the sanity line.

I get to the hotel and head for the shower. I'm too tired to stand up, so I sit in the tub under a stream of hot water for like a half an hour while I get all my shivers out. It's a little pathetic.

The next morning, I wake up and there's several inches of snow on the ground. It's coming down so hard that every time I stop at a light, I have to run out to wipe the snow off the back window.

I feel like something else happened, but I can't remember. I think maybe my brain is finally kicking in to block out the rest.


At 7:30 AM, Blogger Beth said...

ya know...the brain is a wonderful thing...it can block out all the bad stuff that might come back to haunt you later on!

Swish...why do these things only happen to YOU?!! Cop cars and teenagers in a standoff? Hitting your head and losing your mind? WHY???!!!

I bet you're fun to travel with! And just when were you at the Oprah show missy? Huh? HUh?

At 11:23 AM, Blogger flea said...

i know you probably didn't find it all that funny, but, i could not stop laughing throughout your entire post!

i think it's so amuzing to me as i can so see this happening to me

At 12:10 PM, Blogger Jenster said...

That is hysterical when you're on the outside looking in! Hope you're home and nice and warm and will be able to catch up on 24.

At 12:38 PM, Blogger Bina said...

Your head thing. Yea, not funny at the time, (to you) but very funny now. I once rolled my ex's head up in the truck window. Hey, I didn't know he stuck it out. I didn't know I was doing it until I heard him scream. Yea, I rolled it down, but I was laughing my ass off! So were all the people in that parking lot!

Damn, you do have some bad luck!

At 12:57 PM, Blogger Trish Ryan said...

Wow - I will officially cross Indianapolis off of my "places to visit someday" list. Well, it was never on the list, but in solidarity with you I will write it in, then immediately scratch it out.

I hope you've finally warmed up...you've had a doozy of a winter so far!

At 3:43 PM, Blogger honeykbee said...

Um, that concussion story is more than a little scary. But not as scary as being without cetaphil cleanser ;)

At 4:15 PM, Anonymous ramblin rose said...

Oh wow that head story is freaky!! (like you need to be told that)

And did you kill a chinaman or something?? Your luck is horrendous!!!

Next time perhaps you should invest in Adult Diapers like the astronauts then you can just pee as you like.... just kidding

hang in there..... It's the year of the pig apparently its a great year for women....

At 4:23 PM, Blogger Sara Hantz said...

Yikes!! Remind me not to visit....

I hate being cold mroe than anythign in the world.

At 4:31 PM, Blogger Andie said...

I think you deserve a spa day after that trip!

pssst... have you heard the latest gossip about Anna Nicole Smith?

At 6:50 PM, Blogger Swishy said...

It was seriously so aggravating, but by the time the snow hit, all I could do was laugh. I just sat in the car and laughed and laughed. I mean ... what are you gonna do, right?

Bina, SOO funny! Was that before or after he became your ex? :)

No freaking joke about the winter ... I thought of that, too. I CANNOT WAIT FOR SPRING!!!

OK, the diapers ... to me, that's totally the worst part about that whole story. And Anna Nicole ... my sister sent me a text message before it broke online and told me. We like to keep in touch with each other about the important stuff. CRAZY, huh? She was just on Entertainment Tonight last night!

And Beth ... lol. I (emphasis on the I) think I'm fun to travel with, but I don't know what everyone else would say. WE'D have fun at least! And I went to Oprah ... let's see ... four years ago in April. SO LONG AGO! It was when she first ended her book club and I got to sit in the FRONT ROW because I lied and said I read the book. You can totally see me in the audience and I'm doing all of these exaggerated nods and laughs to try to prove that I knew what she was talking about ... it's so embarrassing. Ha ha.

At 7:20 PM, Blogger TTQ said...

Okay but how do Indy take YOU being there? Hopefully they got the raw end end and you blew through like a hurricane..

At 10:38 PM, Blogger CruiserMel said...

Aw, git on home, now! Seriously, a Texan in Indy is good for tourist dinero, but time to bring it on home. O-tay?

I feel your pain. I was in NW Indiana and Chicago a week ago and I escaped (luckiley) unscathed and cold - but don't push it. Get outta there while you can!

At 11:54 PM, Blogger Frannie Farmer said...

Well sweets you certainly give my crazy days a run for their money. Yikes.
Glad you made it!

At 4:08 PM, Blogger Karen said...

Jeez, none of that sounds fun. I spent 5 days in Indy 2 years ago when my son started college and we had to wait between dropping him off and dropping his things off. Never again. Everyone raves about what a great city it is, but I was not overly impressed - really.

And we're having the same freakin' weather here. Yeah, it's pretty bad.

Hope you got to see 24 and, of course, Grey's. Hugs!

At 10:32 AM, Blogger kim said...

Swishy -- you are going to hell you know...and it will be on your very own hot planet.

I'm going to send you some compact flourecent light bulbs and then I'm going to pray for you.

...This is almost as bad as my sister talking about her own dream when she couldn't get her car out of the impound on Martin Luther King Jr. Day.

At 2:34 AM, Blogger Swishy said...

LOL ... I'm off to buy my Prius now.


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