Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Monday, February 26, 2007

Karma bites Swishy on her sweet ass

I never call in sick. Ever, ever, ever, EVER. But I was soooo tempted yesterday, so I could watch the Oscars. I usually take a vacation day for them, but I didn't this year, and I was totally regretting it. I was like, no, I can't call in sick. Yes, I can. No, I can't. Yes, I can. No, I ca--I can! And I'm gonna! Before I change my mind again! I didn't have too much to do, so I figured the guilt would be manageable. And I really NEVER call in sick.

(OK, I feel SO scandalous right now, admitting that I called in sick to watch the Oscars. SO SCANDALOUS! You have no idea. I almost want to delete it and write a blog about something else. Ahhhh.)

Anyway, this is where that bitch karma comes in. Literally--LITERALLY--less than a minute after I called in, my vision started getting blurry. I was trying to type an email and the letters started mixing all together, and I was like, ohhhhhhh, shit. Because I know EXACTLY what kind of blurry that is. It's not the kind of blurry you get before you put your contacts in or when you accidentally get something in your eye. It's the kind of blurry you get when a migraine--a freaking MIGRAINE!--is thundering into town. Twenty minutes later, I was in bed with my head buried under the blankets, my eyes squeezed shut and the shades all closed to make the room dark, while I listened to the Law & Order: SVU marathon on volume three for three hours. It downgraded to a headache by the time the Oscars started, but didn't fully go away until--you guessed it--approximately the second the show ended.

I am seriously not making this up. This kind of thing only happens to me, I swear.

Anyway, I thought the Oscars were TOTALLY random. There were major pacing issues, and I didn't think Ellen was very funny. Definitely not as funny as I hoped she would be. Reese Witherspoon was the only one I thought looked drop-dead gorgeous. Oh, Jessica Biel looked pretty good, too, but that's it. Jennifer Hudson? Hated the bat wings (that, thankfully, she took off before the show started). Penelope Cruz? The bottom of her dress looked like a '70s shag carpet. Nicole Kidman? Horrible red bow. And I think Leo DiCaprio is hot, hot, hot, but I was NOT down with the slicked-back hair. I was pretty happy Alan Arkin won. I guess that's it.

In other news, I am staring down a big, nasty bug on my window blinds right now. It's HUGE and it's GROSS and I can't decide how to kill it. It's like Shootout at the Swishy Corral. Neither of us has moved. We're just staring at each other from across the room. This is so not going to end well.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

The glasses

I realized I never posted a picture of my new glasses. So far, so good--I actually wore them to a movie a couple weekends ago. A movie! In public! I wouldn't have so much as taken out the GARBAGE wearing the old ones. (Although, interestingly, I had no such issues taking out the garbage half-naked.) So ... that's progress.

Hope you're all having a great weekend!

Friday, February 23, 2007

A pile of random

Today was, like, seriously the longest day ever. I looked at the clock at one point, and it was only 10:30 a.m. 10:30! I thought for sure it had to be lunchtime. The rest of the day went faster, but just barely. I thought I was going to fall asleep about 20 different times. I hate that.

I'm not sure if I can talk about Grey's Anatomy yet. I might have to watch it again first. That show has some consistency issues--I'm SO SURE Derek is an optimist who believes in soulmates and the magic of love. Are you kidding me? I was completely pissed that there was no big payoff moment between Derek and Meredith at the end. I can practically RECITE that "It was a Thursday morning. You were wearing that ratty little Dartmouth T-shirt you look so good in ..." scene from last season. It's one of my favorite Grey's scenes EVER and I thought we'd get something at least as good given the fact that SHE FREAKING FLATLINED, but noooooo. Instead we get Addison and Mark daring each other not to have sex for 60 days. I'm pretty sure that was a Josh Hartnett movie, but whatever. I will say that Cristina completely rocks, though. I got teary during one of her scenes, and as I was watching it, I was thinking, "I am SO being manipulated by the writers right now" but I got teary anyway. That "She's my person" thing gets me every single time.

Ha. I love that when I say I have nothing to say, I always have something to say anyway.

Did anyone see the Oprah Oscar special that was on after Grey's? Nicole Kidman has NO PERSONALITY! Seriously, zero. And she was getting saaaaaaaalty with Russell Crowe. For no reason! I totally turned it to I Love New York instead because I couldn't handle her anymore. (Poor Boston! But I heard he's going to star in the next installment, so it's all good.)

I know that this is super random, but what's a good way to organize a ton of contact information that you can sort either by name or organization? I guess Excel, huh? I never use Excel.

I can't stop eating this week. I have SO got the munchies. A few minutes ago, I ate a granola bar I didn't even want, and then I was going to make microwave popcorn that I didn't really want either. Well, I kinda did, but not REALLY. But I was like, "SWISHY! Step away from the cupboard!" and then I went and brushed my teeth so I wouldn't snack on anything else.

I got my hair cut a couple days ago. I always hate my hair for the first, oh, two weeks or so after I get it cut. I have a theory that it's because my hair is in mourning. The hair that's left misses the old hair, and because it's sad it doesn't want to do anything. So my hair's in mourning right now. Which means lots of ponytails.

OK, I have to pee. Since I can't eat, I'm drinking lots of water to keep my mouth busy. So I gotsta go. Have a good Friday, everyone!

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

I'm not sure what these mean ...

And I almost don't want to know ...

Scenario 1: I run out to grab something for lunch. I'm in the parking lot, and I CANNOT FIND MY CAR. I walk all the way down one aisle, and back up the next. Down the next aisle, back up the next. (There are only four short aisles. It's not like I park in a stadium lot or anything.) Over and over and OVER again. This goes on for, like, 10 minutes. I always notice which cars I park next to, and who's there when I get there. So I'm trying to think of that to jog my memory, and I realize I can't even remember driving to work. AT ALL. I start to seriously consider the possibility that I beamed myself there or something.

I'm wandering around aimlessly, clutching my wallet and keys to my chest like the poor little lost amnesiac that I am, when one of the guys I work with pulls up. And starts laughing. Hysterically. I don't have to say a word--the first thing out of his mouth is, "So how long have you been looking?"

"Not long!" I say, then pause. "OK, a little long. I seriously DO NOT REMEMBER where I parked! I wonder if someone stole my car."

"Did you park on the side?" he asks.

"Oh," I say. "Um. Yeah. I think I did."

I never park on the side of the building. Ever. I have no idea what possessed me to today, since, after all, I can't remember anything about my drive. But sure enough, there was my car.

A few hours later, my phone rings. "You leaving soon?"

"No. Why?"

"I thought you might want me to write down on a sticky note where your car's parked so you can put it on your purse. Just so you don't wander around all night looking."

Ha freaking ha.

Scenario 2: I'm clicking around on the Internet this afternoon, and I see a headline about Derek Jeter and A-Rod. The INSTANT I see the word "Jeter," I'm like, "Holy crap!! I had a dream I made out with him last night!!"

This is random for several reasons. I usually remember those kinds of dreams (not that I have them all the time, I'm just saying) right away, not eight hours later when I happen to see the person's name on my computer screen. I don't like the Yankees. I know a little bit about baseball, but I don't really get into it that much. And I don't ANYTHING when it comes to Derek Jeter, let alone bury him in my subconscious so that when I fall asleep, he'll take off his shirt and start running those big, strong hands through my hair and part my lips with his tongue and ...

OK, seriously. I don't. And contrary to what I tell you people, I do not dream THAT OFTEN about hooking up with random celebrities. I'm very perplexed by the whole thing. I mean, Derek Jeter?!?! It's like random to the nth degree. WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN???

It has been a very strange day.

(OK, P.S. I wasn't sure if I was going to link to this, but oh, my gosh, I am dying laughing, so I'm gonna. If you want to see what I look like go here, to the funny, funny, funny TTQ's house.)

Monday, February 19, 2007

The movie story

Hey, guys! I went out of town for the weekend and I thought I was going to be able to post before I left, but I didn't have time, so ... here I am now! I hope you all had a great weekend.

So the movie thing. I have this friend I'll call Semmy, who looooves to get your Swishy riled sometimes. We'll bicker about the funniest things, and I'll finally bring out my heavy ammunition: "Whatever. I'm asking the blog people what THEY think. THEY'LL back me up!" But I never have ... until now.

OK, I'm totally laughing out loud right now. I wish you could hear me. Anyway, so Semmy has been known to sneak out of work to go see a movie, which I have never done. First of all, I can't. With the boss I have, I really can't. I once returned something at the mall during lunch and THEN got something to eat and felt like I had done something totally scandalous. Not to mention, I spend every minute of my life feeling bad about something--a phone call I'm putting off, the 83 chocolate chip cookies I've eaten in the past week, the pile of 2006 bills that have been stacked in my office waiting to be filed for two months. And my whole life, I've been scared of getting in trouble. That's probably the biggest thing. It's total oldest kid syndrome.

So I'm giving Semmy crap, not because I care THAT much, really, just because he mentioned it in passing (he hadn't even GONE to a movie, poor guy) and I was in a bratty mood, so off I went. And he comes out with that line: "I've only left work in the middle of the day to go watch a movie 10 times in the past 6 1/2 years. I think most people would say that's not too bad."

Me: "What?!? I am SO putting that on my blog!"
Sem: "Whatever, you'll totally word it so people agree with you."
Me: "I will not."
Sem: "You will too."
Me: "Fine, then you write it. I'll post it exactly the way you write it."

He didn't write anything--well, he did, actually, and it was pretty funny, but it was non-postable, at least without some context--so I threw the quote up there with an "Overheard:" before it.

Sem: "You can't put 'overheard'! Then it's OBVIOUS it's someone else."
Me: "No, it's not."
Sem: "Yes, it is. It's not fair."
Me: "Fine. FINE."

So I took off the "overheard." Because I might be a little snot, but I can be fair, at least! And then nearly all of you sided with Semmy!!! That's why I can't stop laughing, because it's so typical. SO typical. Semmy is fantastic. He is. Everyone likes him, he's smart, he's funny ... he's one of those people you wish everyone had a chance to know. So OF COURSE you would all take his side! Because that's just him! Ohhhh, I am so laughing.

Anyway, Semmy is hilarious times 1,000. He's so funny that a week or so ago, he was instant messaging me and made me laugh so hard I spit water everywhere, absolutely everywhere, which not only made a huge mess but short-circuited my keyboard. He made me laugh so hard I BROKE MY FREAKING KEYBOARD. So now that you know who he is, I can tell you some of the funny stuff he says without feeling like I need some kind of preamble that would totally ruin the joke.

In other news, my BBFF Manic Mom (who also is very funny and, by the way, knows me too well--she totally guessed in the comments that the movie-goer wasn't me!) is having an awesome contest on her blog right now. Go check it out!

Thursday, February 15, 2007

Random poll

"I've only left work in the middle of the day to go watch a movie 10 times in the past 6 1/2 years. I think most people would say that's not too bad."

Agree or disagree?

(I'll tell you the story later!)

Tuesday, February 13, 2007


Things have not been going so hot for your friend Swishy lately. Yesterday started off sucky and turned out mostly OK; today started off OK and turned out sucky. It's definitely worse when you think you're going to have an OK day and then it goes to shit. I guess I should automatically expect sucky and then I'll be pleasantly surprised, huh?

(Look out, the scorching rays of my sunny optimism might burn a hole through your screen!)

I think everyone hates this time of year. I went to see Ayelet Waldman a few weeks ago (fabulous, by the way) and she said that February is the absolute worst month. I used to hate January more, but I'm starting to think she has a point.

I'll post something bright and cheery later. In the meantime ...


Monday, February 12, 2007

Some Grey's for a gray morning

Derek: You all right?
Meredith: I have a feeling.
Derek: I get those.
Meredith: Yeah?
Derek: Yes.
Meredith: And?
Derek: If you wait long enough, it passes.
Meredith: Promise?
Derek: I promise.

Saturday, February 10, 2007


I'm sitting here at my coffee shop, minding my own business, when an older man walks up to me.

Guy: Every time I come in here, you’re on that computer.
Me: I'm sorry?
Guy: I come in here all the time, and you're always sitting over here on that computer of yours.
Me: Well, I’m working!
Guy: On what?
Me: Stuff.
Guy: You good at it?
Me: Um ... I think so.
Guy: Well, good for you. Good for you. You go, girl.

(Five minutes later, Guy walks by with his to-go bag.)

Guy: You know, next time I’m in here, I'm going to give you some shit, because you’re always looking so serious. You’re a nice, young, good-looking girl, you need to be out there enjoying your life a little.
Me: It's 4 o'clock in the afternoon! And it's freezing outside!
Guy: I'm telling you, next time I see you I'm gonna give you shit.
Me: And I don't look THAT serious.
Guy: I'm gonna give you shit. Just so you know.

Totally never seen this guy before.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Al Gore can suck it

Subtitled: "How Swishy came thisclose to killing someone" or "Why Indianapolis hates me."

Let's start with Indianapolis. I've been there twice now, and I'm 0-for-2. The first time, I managed to slam my head in the car door. It sounds funny, and I suppose it is, but at the time it was NOT funny at ALL! It was a total freak thing. Everything went black. The next thing I knew, I was, like, half-hanging out the car and my legs WOULD NOT LISTEN TO MY BRAIN and get in the car. I was looking at them, trying to get them to move, and they wouldn't. I ended up with a huge bump over my right eye, a big bruise on the left side, and a headache for a week. The only good thing was that a) I didn't die when I proceeded to (very stupidly) continue driving when I was still all dizzy and b) none of the security camera footage from the gas station I was at made it onto the Internet.

That was a couple of years ago. The other day, I find out that I have to leave kinda last minute for Indy again. "Don't get a concussion this time!!!" my coworkers tell me on my way out. Ha ha, I say. What could go wrong?

Well. First off, I was going on, like, three hours of sleep, which is never a good way to start a trip. Second, Indianapolis is FREAKING COLD. And I was spending a LOT of time outside. Like, several HOURS outside. I was wearing a long-sleeved tee, two fleeces and a coat, and I thought I was going to die. This is where Al Gore comes in. Al, I've got an inconvenient truth, too: sitting outside in 3-degree weather will mess with your mind in ways you never knew possible. After an hour, I ran into the closest building, found a little spot along the wall under a fire extinguisher and curled up in the fetal position on the floor. Seriously. People were, like, tripping over me as I rocked myself back and forth. It will be a very, very long while before I am able to hear the words "global warming" without looking for the nearest sharp object. It was horrrrrrrrible.

Fast forward a few hours. It only took me five minutes or so to find where I'd parked the car, so I'm thinking things are looking up. I'm going to go back to the hotel, take a hot shower, get some food (I'd eaten five Wendy's chicken nuggets at 11:30 a.m., and it was now almost 8 ... I was staaaaarving) and watch 24. Unfortunately, the six assholes who couldn't wait TWO EXTRA SECONDS to get out of the parking garage had other plans for me. They literally all went for the exit at the same time and got all tangled up, which meant no one was going anywhere. It took an HOUR AND A HALF before anyone was able to move. Did I mention that I had to pee more than I'd ever had to pee in my life? I'm sitting there, my bladder, like, bursting out of my body, watching a bunch of idiot alpha males refuse to reverse even an inch because HEAVEN FORBID someone get out ahead of them. I should be embarrasssed to admit this, but yes, I leaned on my horn. A few times. And yelled at the dashboard. And punched the poor steering wheel. I figured it was better than ramming into them and MAKING them move.

So I finally get out. I'm literally running on fumes at this point, so I have to get gas before I can go to the hotel and not watch 24. So I go the gas station and OF COURSE I happen to pick the one that's about to play host to a standoff between four cop cars and a pack of teenagers. OF COURSE I did, because nothing about this trip, not even the gas, is simple. I was just happy to escape without a gunshot wound and/or a concussion.

On the way back to the hotel, I remember another thing: I have to get facial cleanser. I remembered an extra pair of shoes, I remembered my iPod charger, I remembered several other things I didn't touch once the entire trip, but I forgot the cleanser. The first night, after desperately driving around trying to find an open Walgreen's, I resorted to using shower gel on my face. (I can't use bar soap, no, no, no way. Can't do it.) So off I go on a wild Cetaphil hunt, and FINALLY I find a place that's open. I buy the last freaking bottle in the store, which barely keeps me on the right side of the sanity line.

I get to the hotel and head for the shower. I'm too tired to stand up, so I sit in the tub under a stream of hot water for like a half an hour while I get all my shivers out. It's a little pathetic.

The next morning, I wake up and there's several inches of snow on the ground. It's coming down so hard that every time I stop at a light, I have to run out to wipe the snow off the back window.

I feel like something else happened, but I can't remember. I think maybe my brain is finally kicking in to block out the rest.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007


Harrowing, I tell you. That about describes the past 48 hours to a T. But I'm going to be the ultimate tease and say that I'll tell you the story tomorrow, because I just got done writing something for work, and I have to get up FOR work in, like, 5 1/2 hours, and I've barely slept, and I ... I'm just gonna die if I don't find my bed in about 2 seconds. Seriously. But tomorrow! I promise!

Saturday, February 03, 2007

TGI freaking F

Feeling very misunderstood today. Siiiiiiiiigh.

I got my glasses! I'm pretty excited, although I don't think I like them. I'm just not a glasses girl, I guess. But I still have to wear them sometimes, and it's nice to have a pair that's actually the right prescription and not totally crooked. I do think I have to get them readjusted though--the lashes on my left eye keep hitting the lens whenever I blink. I'm hoping it's the glasses and not that one set of eyelashes is freakishly longer than the other. I'll post pictures once I get all the kinks worked out!

I also got new workout pants today, which I'm irrationally glad about. They were $14.99 at Target and they're so comfortable they feel like pajamas. I don't think there's any doubt I'll be wearing them on every day off for the next month.

I didn't talk about Grey's Anatomy last night. It was good, huh? Sad, though. In a nutshell: Couldn't love Meredith any more if I tried. I completely get her. Ellen Pompeo killed me in those scenes with her mom. Cristina is awesome: "We'll have money. We'll rent a wife." LOVED IT! Izzie was a total mean girl about Callie and George, but I didn't care because I laughed out loud every single time (although she should have been nicer to tampon girl). Derek needs to stop snapping at Meredith. Alex is hot, hot, hot ... but Addison and Mark? Whaaaaa? (OK, funniest comments ever on TWoP about those two. One called Mark Addison's "hot, human vibrator"; another said something like "riding the McSteamy train while thinking about Alex ... that's what I call the best of both worlds!" And my personal favorite: "Alex Karev, this orgasm's for you!" I freaking love that site.) And finally ... Webber is the biggest asshat ever. He is valedectorian, class president and mascot of the Derek Shepherd School of Denial. I guess you tell yourself what you have to to get by in life ... but, I mean, whatever. I can't say any more about that or I'll get all aggravated.

I saw Catch and Release last weekend and it was horrible. I'm not one to nitpick movies, but holy plot inconsistencies. I was literally like, "What the HELL?!?" out loud, and not just once, either. There were three good things about it: Jennifer Garner and Timothy Olyphant were pretty to look at, the music was good, and the scenery was nice. My friend wants to see Because I Said So this weekend, but I don't know if I dare. Entertainment Weekly gave it a freaking D. A D! I don't think I can handle back-to-back D movies.

I'm eating bridge mix right now. Random, huh? I get it like maybe once or twice a year. I don't eat the whoppers, though--I test them with my teeth to make sure they aren't the jelly ones (those I like) and then I stick them off to the side.

Fergie's on Extra right now. She's doing a bunch of Super Bowl concerts. I think she has a nice body, but I do NOT think she's cute at ALL! I met her boyfriend last year and he is one the most beautiful men I have ever seen in my life. He is EXQUISITE. Pictures and TV do not do him justice. Plus, he's nice. I don't get why he's going out with FERGIE (... when he could be going out with me! Ha ha, just kidding). But anyway, this one website I go to sometimes posted a picture of Fergie next to a picture of E.T. and I'm not going to lie to you, it was pretty damn close. Maybe she has a really beautiful personality. Ha.

My glasses are driving me crazy now. The lash thing is a big issue. I'm gonna have to go back in the morning.

OK, I just flipped channels, and What Not to Wear is on. I kinda want to go on that show, just so I can have someone pick out clothes for me. Have you ever seen that TLC show where they stick you in a glass box in the middle of a crowded public area and let everyone critique your appearance? And then play you the mortifying tape of what everyone said? That is the most masochistic show EVER!

All right, Swishy out. Hope your weekend's off to a good start!

Thursday, February 01, 2007


Freaking Blogger Nazis. I went to post and it WOULD NOT LET ME IN until I switched over! I tried every single way I could think of to get around it, and nada. I HAD to switch. I guess it had to happen sometime, but BOOOOO!

Ha ha. I'm so stubborn.

So anyway. I have been having major deja vu the past day or two. Do you ever get that? It only lasts a second, but it's SO WEIRD, and it goes away before my brain can really process what triggered it. I think it happens when I have really vivid dreams that I don't remember. Then something happens to make me sorta, but not really, remember later in the day. I think that's it. But it's WEIRD!

OK ...

I have other stuff that I started to write but I am all kinds of antsy about what my blog's gonna look like when I post. So I want to hit publish and see. Plus, About a Boy (which I soooo love) is on TV and is completely distracting me. So what I'm gonna do is hit publish, go watch and then come back tomorrow and post some more when I'm not freaked out about the Blogger switch and marveling at how Hugh Grant actually looks pretty hot in this movie. Deal? Deal.