I loooove the Emmys. The only thing I love more than the Emmys is the Golden Globes, because it has fewer "filler" awards and it's TV AND movies and they let them drink alcohol, so everyone gets all tipsy.
But I still love the Emmys, so much that I take a VACATION DAY from my job to watch them. (I'm not THAT crazy. For one thing, I hardly ever take off work. For another, I tried taping and watching later when I first starting working Sunday nights, and it did not work. The obnoxious boys that I work with kept yelling out who won, or PRETENDING to yell out who won, and it was a miracle no one ended the night with a pen jutting out of their jugular. Not to mention, I kept forgetting that I couldn't go to, like, Yahoo! and do a search for something, because they'd have updates on the main page.)
Anyway. So it's Emmy day. I think I'm going to live blog a little during the Emmys. I'll probably do at least a couple of updates. My early thoughts:
* Yes, the nominations suck this year. I mean, Kevin James? That about says it all.
* I will be happy if either 24 or Grey's Anatomy wins Best Drama. I will be PISSED and quite probably throw something at the television if The West Wing wins. Likewise if Allison Janney wins.
* Best Supporting Actress in a Drama is the toughest one to call. I love, love, love Chandra Wilson, but I bet she doesn't win. She and Sandra Oh will probably cancel each other out, and Jean Smart will win for 24. But that's the category I'm most interested to see.
OK, I have to go make something of myself before the red carpet stuff starts. More later!
OK, it's later. Red carpet time!
5:12: I always heard about Jennifer Love Hewitt's big boobs, but I never thought they looked THAT big. Tonight, though? They look VERY big.
5:17: Reason No. 937 Swishy is WATCHING the red carpet instead of ON the red carpet: The poses these women do! They stick out their asses and put their hands on their hips and look provocatively over their shoulders ... seriously, I could do that for about 0.3 seconds before I'd start laughing so hard spit would fly out, thereby making me a total embarrassment to the Academy and insuring that I would never be invited back.
5:25: Seacrest is interviewing Will Arnett, who's nominated for Arrested Development. I interviewed Will once, and he was SUPER nice. Plus he was hilarious on that show, so I hope he wins.
5:37: Holy crap. Tyra Banks is flirting with Seacrest, and he is TOTALLY FREAKING OUT! He is so gay.
OK, update: Seacrest explained that he was freaking out because his face was eye level with Tyra's cleavage, and he felt bad. So--gentleman or gay? Discuss.
6:02: Patrick Dempsey DOES NOT LOOK MCDREAMY tonight. Nice HAIR, Patrick.
6:33: WTF is Kareem Abdul-Jabbar doing at the Emmys???
6:36: WHAT IS WITH THE GREY'S CAST'S HAIR?? I am not feeling Ellen Pompeo's hair at ALL. Katherine Heigl's looked good, though. And Sandra Oh's. It must be a Meredith-Derek thing.
6:37: I take it back. I don't really like Katherine Heigl's hair that much. But I have a total girl crush on Heidi Klum! She is so pretty.
6:47: OK, I just switched to NBC ... dude! Nice plastic surgery, Barry Manilow! A tip from Swishy: If your face is smooth and your neck is all wrinkled, WE CAN TELL.
7:03: I'm watching Conan's opening ... "Well, we weren't exactly invited" ... HUGE! Ha ha ha. LOVE The Office drop-in!!! And the 24 thing. ... HA! TOM CRUISE IN THE CLOSET! TO CATCH A PREDATOR! I've laughed like eight times. I likey!
7:15: The song-and-dance thing was a little random. My favorite line of Conan's monologue: "Just because something lasts 14 seconds doesn't mean it isn't SPECTACULAR!"
7:16: OK, someone fixed Patrick's hair. It looks better. So does Ellen's, for that matter. I TAKE IT ALL BACK!
7:17: WHOA! Megan Mullally for best supporting actress in a comedy? I thought for sure Jaime Pressly was a lock! This is maybe not the best sign.
7:20: ALAN ALDA? Not President Logan?!? I'm turning it off. OK, not really. But SERIOUSLY?
7:27: WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?!?!?!?! I am so over the Emmys right now. Who VOTES for these things? No Jean Smart? No Chandra Wilson? No Sandra Oh? BLYTHE DANNER? Apparently this is an appreciation for a bunch of shows that are NO LONGER ON THE FREAKING AIR. The only bright spot is that maybe it bodes well for Arrested Development.
7:37: I was so crazed with righteous indignation that I forgot to say the Bob Newhart thing was pretty funny. Also, I called the Jeremy Piven win. It's the only one I've gotten right so far.
8:03: I'd do Simon Cowell.
8:15: And Wentworth Miller.
8:18: I hate the Emmys. How could Grey's not win a writing award? Look, I watched that train episode when it was on last week and I cried AGAIN! EVEN THOUGH I KNEW EXACTLY WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN! Now THAT is a well-written show. And the Super Bowl episode was one of my favorites. Screw you, Emmy.
8:33: OK, I'm starting to get bored. I need a good Tori-Candy Spelling catfight to liven things up.
8:42: Bradley Whitford, I don't like you, nor do I get your lame joke. If that even WAS a joke.
8:44: I still hate you, Emmy. Steve Carell is FREAKING HILARIOUS. Whatever. Like anyone watches Monk.
8:52: Oh, Candice, Candice, Candice. WHO DRESSED YOU, a blind person? How nice to see Joan Collins managed to find something in Alexis Carrington's closet for the occasion. Heather Locklear looks hot, at least. I totally want Tori to leap across the aisle and start pulling her mom's hair. That would be SWEET!
8:58: Is it wrong that I am totally cracking up at Candy Spelling right now?
8:59: They're letting Farrah Fawcett, Queen of Crazytown, talk?!?! Scaaaaaaaary!
9:10: "I lost to the Copacabana!" HA. That was the funniest thing to happen in an hour. Besides Candy Spelling's alligator tears, I mean.
9:23: Tackiest part of the night: The dead person popularity contest. Looks like this year's winner is Don Knotts. Oh, wait, I spoke too soon: It's a tossup between him and John Spencer.
9:35: OK, I'm happy for Mariska Hargitay. I would have been happy for anyone who beat Allison Janney because I CAN'T STAND HER! If Kiefer Sutherland wins, I will like Emmy again.
9:37: Oh my gosh, cutest commercial ever!! I LOVE Jim and Pam! I love them, I love them, I love them, and now I have goosebumps.
9:43: My friend is totally traumatized by Ray Liotta's face. Like, TOTALLY.
9:44: YAYYYYYYYY!!!!! Jack Bauer rocks. I want to be his girlfriend. Not Kiefer's, but Jack's. Well, maybe Kiefer's, too. I wouldn't kick him out of bed for eating crackers, that's for sure.
9:52: Yay, Office! I'm sorry for all of the mean things I said about you, Emmy.
9:56: OK, I'm happy. I like 24. It would have been cool to see Grey's win to spread the love, but I'm happy.
OK, much like the nominations, this was a very weird, random show. Some stuff they got totally right, and other stuff like ... whaaaaa?
* I'm very sorry I missed the Billy Bush-Jeremy Piven smackdown on NBC. Nice ascot, Jeremy. Blecch.
* Who looked the best ... maybe Heidi Klum? Katherine Heigl? Julia Louis-Dreyfus looked good for a chick in her 40s. And Mariska Hargitay looked good for having a baby, like, 2 seconds ago.
* The worst? Candice Bergen. And Virginia Madsen might as well have gone topless the way her boobs were falling out. The camera guys at E! were obsessed with them.
OK, speaking of E!, I'm off to watch the aftershow. Nighty night!