Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

I have my health

This is the problem with going a few days between blog posts: You have no idea where to start. I've written a ton, and I've realized I have yet to get to any kind of point. (This is also the problem with having a very active editor living in your brain.)

So I'll get rid of all that for now and just say this: It should come as no surprise, considering my well-documented affinity for Meredith Grey, that I was a big Ally McBeal fan once upon a time. I looooved the first season. I didn't really care for the subsequent seasons, and I stopped watching for good once Billy died, but I adored that first season. Anyway, in one scene, Ally literally bangs her head against the wall. "I have my health," she says. Thud. "I have my health." Thud. "I have my health." Thud.

That was me last week: I have my health. Thud.

I'll give you one example. Of course, the snow and ice that hit half of America hit Swishyville. If I were in third grade, that would have been great news. But I'm not, so it wasn't. As if it wasn't bad enough that I had to go to work like normal, as if it wasn't bad enough that it took me an hour to slide the few miles home, as if it wasn't bad enough that it took me another hour just to GET INSIDE my ice-covered car the next morning (bowl of hot water and all). As if that all wasn't bad enough ...

I go to make a fire. Because that's what you do, right, when it's 10 degrees and everything outside is covered in ice? I get the wood, pull out the newspaper, open the flue ... and a dead bird falls down the chimney. That's right. A dead bird. A DEAD, FROZEN BIRD. All I want is to try to chill out and relax after a sort of craptacular day, and now I have a DEAD, FROZEN BIRD IN MY LIVING ROOM.

I freeze for a second in absolute horror. Then I run into the kitchen. I can't move, I can't think. All I can do is stand there with my arms clenched at my sides, staring at my fireplace. I HAVE to do something, and not just because I can't make a fire with a dead bird sitting in the fireplace. It's a DEAD BIRD, in my LIVING ROOM, one that's probably all DISEASED and stuff.

What I did next is seriously one of the bravest things I've ever done. I opened up a plastic grocery bag as wide as it would go and laid it by the fireplace. Then I got two wire hangers and used them as makeshift tongs to pick up the bird's frozen, diseased little carcass, and dropped it into the bag. And then I ran across the room and threw the bag, the hangers and the bird out the front door.

Of course, after all that, I couldn't get a fire going. OF COURSE I couldn't, because that's the kind of week it was. I did, however, successfully smoke up my apartment. So there's that.

I'm sooo glad it's a new week.

(P.S. I feel like this is a little bit of a copout post all things considered, but like I said, I don't quite know where to start. Maybe later this week, huh?)


At 8:18 AM, Blogger Karitown said...

Ew, yuck, gross, bleck!!!

Dead bird??? Oh my God. You are braver than I am. I would have just lit the fire with the bird in it probably. Don't think I could pick it up even with makeshift coathanger wire tongs.

Big shiver over here.

At 11:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

a Dead bird?! yuk! At least it wasn't bats!!! I am so afraid of bats...oh, this isn't about me, it's about you.

What's going on girl? Life comin at you fast these days? You sound....bummed.

At 1:11 PM, Blogger honeykbee said...

I probably would have done the same thing; stood there with my hands locked to my sides and my face twisted in disgust. Hard to tell what that photo was at first, thought maybe it was something splashing around in a tub?! Anyway... gross.

Your day was definitely for the birds.

At 2:30 PM, Anonymous Maia said...

The moon and the planets have all been wacked, so no wonder you found a dead bird in your fireplace. Fireplaces are dangerous--when I lived in B.C., a live flying squirrel leaped out at me when I bent down to light a fire. I ran screaming around the house with the vermin in hot pursuit. Like a scene out of National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. Looks like you had a pigeon of some sort. Those are really just rats with wings aren't they? No, seriously, am a lover of all birds. Hate to find one dead though. You are brave. I would have waited for a man to come along and do the pick-up, as I do when faced with spiders or snakes.

At 3:34 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Once upon a time when I lived in a house and had a couple of cats I let one of the cats into the garage to "play outside". The cat came back in with a dead field mouse in it's mouth. I know it was dead because I heard the cat kill it. Anyway, I freaked out. I had to stop the cat from running into the basement to hide his little gift. I finally got him to drop it under the dining room table. I then called a friend who was the "outdoor" type to come over and help me with the dead field mouse. She wanted to put it in the garbage can in the garage. I made her take it to the dumpster at the nearest office park. I never touched it. I supervised the whole picking up and putting in the bag and driving to the dumpster.

You are brave, oh so brave!

At 4:12 PM, Blogger Drew Blackstone said...

I've heard of "Raining pigs and chickens" but this is ridiculous.

Be thankful that it did fall down. Otherwise, you would have had cooked bird in your chimney.

Remember, a bird in the hand is better than one overhead.

At 5:50 PM, Blogger cubmommy said...

I LOVED the first season of Ally McBeal too! It was great. I stopped watching when they killed Billy off also. It got weird after that.

I would have been freaking out about the dead bird too. I shudder thinking about it. You are very brave to get it out of your house.

At 6:01 PM, Blogger Trish Ryan said...

Okay, so there is something grosser than having a giant uncooked turkey in your sink!

You were very, very brave :)

At 6:10 PM, Blogger Sara Hantz said...

Yikes... dead bird. I'm in awe at your bravery!!!

At 6:25 PM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

I so did not want to see the visual. I could just picture your mind working...

"Oh yikes! A dead bird! Oh cool, now I've got something to blog about, and I'll even take a picture!"

We're one in the same Swish. Or is that two of the same? Hard to tell.

PS--SPeaking of birds--my Word Verification starts out with these three letters: H E N.

At 6:54 PM, Blogger Swishy said...

It was seriously nasty. For real. But of course, as Manic points out, I still grabbed my camera! HA. You should have seen me, though--stretching my arms out as far as they could go, zooming in all the way, to give myself every extra inch of distance possible. I actually took the picture, dropped the camera and ran back into the kitchen to collect myself before I dumped him in the bag. Ughhhhh.

At 7:35 PM, Blogger TTQ said...

Why the hell am I giggling?? I mean it is kinda funny, and plus if you can't cry you might as well laugh. (But don't tell ME that on a bad day, I'll probably flip you off)

Um ..don't bang your head. thud. on the fireplace. thud.

At 11:18 AM, Blogger Bina said...

Holy crap! Now that would piss me off more than freak me out, and then I would always be wondering if there were more up there, if I started a fire would one get cooked? What is there is a nest? What if a bird flys down and lands in the fire?

Okay, I'm not helping here. Just forgot I said all that.

At 2:32 PM, Anonymous Eileen said...

I feel your pain. One of my dogs killed a bird this week and I had to do away with the evidence which was both vile and guilt producing. This kind of pressure I don't need.

At 3:32 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

A dead bird in the chimney? **shudder**

So much for cheery fire and atmosphere:-/

At 9:29 PM, Blogger Frannie Farmer said...

Ok, it's been said .. but ick, ick, ick. You were brave and I would be soo completely grossed out.
I hope your week is better. You deserve some sunshine!!!
Oh and I loved Ally too! The beginning .. later, not so much!
You have your health - I wish I did :)

At 10:26 PM, Blogger CruiserMel said...

OH MY GOD. It's the worst part of homeownership, ain't it?

I was reading and waiting to see if you actually tossed the coathanger tongs. Good girl.

Always get rid of all implements. Ickypoo.

At 1:54 AM, Blogger CruiserMel said...

Update: hours later

I'm doing the kitchen dancing thing I've come to kinda dig lately...

Here comes f'in ginormous cuckaracha / aka waterbug - strutting himself across said kitchen floor in all his glory and F'n A I am NOT sleeping in this house as long as he's alive in here. Aha, along comes spatula. Whack. Whack. Whack. Dammit, why won't you die? Whack. Whack. Whoa, geez you killed my spatula. (Not kidding, the spatula was in two parts.) Oh well - I'll be buying a new spatula manana. Just sayin.

At 9:21 PM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

Drew tagged you.

At 1:48 AM, Blogger Swishy said...

I once broke a ladle on one of those bugs with all nasty legs! It was a thick ceramic ladle, too. Smashed to bits!

At 9:28 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

You ladies crack me up. I would never use a kitchen tool on a bug. Ever. I keep old shoes around to use on those nasty ass bugs. That way if I get the heebeegeebees after killing the sucker I don't feel guilty throwing the shoe away.


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