Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Happy holidays, everyone!

I can't believe how bad I've been about posting! I seriously have started a bunch of times and then I've remembered, oh crap, I forgot to order this online, or oh, crap, I need to wrap this present, or oh, crap, I have to run the dishwasher before 10 p.m. Not that it's easy to sidetrack me or anything!

So here, in no particular order, is a mess of stuff I WOULD have blogged about had I gotten my act together sooner:

* I got to do something so cool last week--I hung out on the sideline at Monday Night Football. I stood right next to the players and watched the game, and I got to walk around along the field wherever I wanted. It was very, very fun. They hit each other HARD! Holy crap. And even though you know the quarterback throws a tight spiral and the kicker hits the ball with enough oomph to send it 40 yards, it's different when they're doing it two feet away. It's way cool.

And seriously? NFL cheerleaders? Not that hot. They wear SO MUCH BODY MAKEUP! It's really scary up close, and every guy I was around said the same thing. They wear this flesh-colored spandex, too, to hold them in. My friend always tells me that I can't admit when other girls are hot--which is SO NOT TRUE, because I have a TOTAL girl crush on Heidi Klum--but I think you should know that you probably look just as good if not better than some of those girls in real life. Consider that my holiday present to you.

* Our work party was at Dave & Buster's--they're all over the place, right? So you know what I'm talking about? Anyway, we had some appetizers and drinks and then they gave us these little cards to play games. My favorite is the pop-a-shot thing. I LOVE IT! I beat our human resources guy and he demanded a rematch, and then I beat him again. So now he calls me "Champ" every time he sees me, and all these people keep telling me about how he's going around the building talking about how I beat him. I'm not the ultimate champion, though. I got beat two out of three times by my work BFF, even though I got my high scores of the day against him. Somehow I ended up with extra cards, though, so the rematch is ON. If he's not too scared. Which, honestly, he might be. I'll keep you posted.

* Remember how I got pulled over for having expired plates? I finally got the registration renewed, and the day before my court date I went to pay the one ticket and pitch a fit on the other one. The woman was SO SNOTTY to me about the insurance ticket! I TOLD her the cop said he messed up, and of course she didn't believe me. I guess I wouldn't necessarily believe me, either, but COME ON! So you know I totally made her call the cop. She's all, "He doesn't remember you," and I was like, "Oh, trust me, he will." So he came in, and remembered me as soon as he saw me, and long story short, he tore up my ticket. YES! VICTORY!

OK, but listen to this. I'm waiting in the lobby of the police station for him to show up, right? So while I'm waiting, these two girls come in and ask to speak to this one detective. The detective comes out, and it's not like I MEANT to eavesdrop, but hello! It's a small lobby! Anyway, the girls came to file a report because they worked for this doctor whose paychecks to them bounced (some of their coworkers already had been in). But then ALL THIS OTHER STUFF starts coming out. Like, for example, the doctor FORGED his medical malpractice insurance because he couldn't afford it. He had pharmaceutical reps come from all over and bring him samples, which he then TOOK HIMSELF! And no one really knows if he's even certified to practice medicine, even though he has a ton of patients. CRAZY, right? And it all came out because he started bouncing checks to his employees. I was like, holy crap, can you imagine finding out your doctor is addicted to pain meds and might not even be allowed to practice medicine? It was TOTALLY scandalous. The detective kept looking at me all incredulous (looks, of course, I pretended I didn't see, since I wasn't *really* listening) and at one point he's all, "I feel like I'm on a soap opera!" I was like, you and me both, buddy. It was like every time he asked them a question, he unearthed another little piece of dirt on this guy. It was SO real-life Law and Order.

* Speaking of doctors (hopefully fully licensed, ethical ones!) I went to get my mysterious bruises checked out this week. They ran a bazillion blood tests, and everything came back OK. I have to get more iron in my system, but that's it. So, phew. Swishy lives to see another day.

* I talked to Matthew Fox (you know, from Party of Five and Lost) last week and he was ummm ... a bit boring. Sad! It reaffirms my belief that no matter how hot a guy is, it doesn't matter if he's not funny.

* I got my final Secret Santa presents, and they were (drum roll) ... a Team Jolie T-shirt and an "I Love Grey's" magnet for my desk! How fun is that?!? I told the girl she ruined me for all future Secret Santas.

* I'm at my parents' house for Christmas. I actually have to fly home on Christmas (boooo!) so I came up a couple days early. Isn’t it funny how you completely revert to your 13-year-old self when you’re in your parents’ house? We had to cram everyone in one car this morning, which meant someone had to sit in the middle. And my sister--a financial analyst in the Bay area, a GROWN, PROFESSIONAL WOMAN, for crying out loud--ran to the car first and locked the door after her so no one could scoot in and move her to the middle. I think we all know who ended up sitting in the middle. But did I let it go after that? Of course I didn't. I made fun of her the entire car ride, and every time we went around a corner, I fell extra hard into her just to be a pain in the ass. I'm SO mature.

All right, everyone. I hope you’re happy and safe and having a great week. My New Year’s resolution: not to be such a blog slacker!


At 2:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

There you are! I was beginning to think you'd taken a night job as an elf or something...

I wish I'd known you were on the sidelines at Monday Night Football! I totally would have looked for you, the blonde staring at the cheerleaders' body makeup in baffled horror :)

Bummer about Matthew Fox. Cross him off of my "If you could have dinner with anyone in the world..." list (he was pretty far down, anyway - I'd have to eat A LOT of dinner to get to him.)

Hysterical about you and your sister. If she's gonna stick you in the middle, you have no choice but to retaliate!

Merry Christmas!!!

At 5:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Swishy, you're back!!! I missed you!

Thank you for the gift of the NFL cheerleaders....skanky!!!

And which game was it anyway and are you a sportscaster or sumpin? And Fake Doctors?!?!?! How do you find this stuff!?!?!

Have a Merry Christmas Swishy and I'm so glad that you're ok and will live to see another day!

At 10:37 PM, Blogger kim said...

Merry Christmas!

At 9:17 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Merry Christmas and safe travels, Swishy!

At 1:47 PM, Blogger Sara Hantz said...

Have a fab holiday.

I can so relate to the sibling behaviour..... I whooped my brothers arse at a boardgame yesterday.... it felt good!!!

At 10:05 AM, Blogger Bina said...

My God you are so funny! Sounds like you have been having a great time, and you know what? There aren't any Dave and Busters here that I know of. They are all over in Texas so I have been to them, but not here. Boo Hoo.

At 11:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

say what you will--and you say it all so marvelously well, you talented writer, you--but nfl cheerleaders are hot hot hot. smokin' hot. which has nothing whatsoever to do with how hot *you* are. there's room for lots of hotties in this here world, thank god.

At 2:53 PM, Blogger Karitown said...

Merry Christmas. Thanks for the laugh as always.

At 3:24 PM, Blogger Swishy said...

Ha ha ha ha ha, Anonymous. A world without hotties would be a very sad world indeed. But seriously! These girls--

Yeah, yeah, I know. I'm totally laughing.

I missed you all! You guys are the best!

At 3:26 PM, Blogger Swishy said...

I have nothing to say other than I'm still laughing. ha ha ha ha ha ha.

At 6:13 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Happy Holidays! Hope you have a wonderful new year.

At 6:50 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Swishy, when did you meet Matthew Fox? I saw him on "The View" and he totally seemed boring to me. However, he is still good looking. :)
And hooray for all the Mona Lisa cheerleaders out there (they look good far away, but not close up). It just makes me feel a little better about myself.
This is "wheresjack" by the way. For some reason I couldn't log in.

At 8:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Haha that is so funny i still feel like I am 12 when I am at my mom's. I bug my little brother, am a brat to my older sisters, and then I ask my mom what's for supper.

At 11:26 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


WOWSA! I am so jealous of you standing on the sidelines - how freaking awesome!

Boo - Matthew Fox is a bore? UGH. He is so hot, but now that we know he has no personality, crap.

At 11:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Swish: You have become VERY lazy about posting, my friend....so get on you j. o. b. and start writing stuff!!!! ;)

You always have such good stories!

At 12:44 PM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

Blog Slacker! I love you and your posts! I am totally smiling now after reading this! It's so cool also that I know you and know what you're like and I'm like, Yep, that's Swishy!

BTW, my friend Sue went to the LA premiere of that movie with Fox and McCaughnohy (however you spell it)... she said Fox was nice, McCon a DICK! not nice at all. Which I pretty much could figure out all along. She also met Drew Barrymore and said she is nice and soooo tiny!

Oh, to be famous. One day, Swishy, you and me babe, one day--Thelma and Louise, watch out!


At 9:49 PM, Blogger CruiserMel said...

Oh well, cross Matthew Fox off my "if I had the chance" list. He's so over now. Boo.

It's good you had the bruises checked out and they were nothing. That must be a relief.

Welcome back.

At 11:03 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Glad to hear you got those bruises checked out!

LOL on your sister. My sister and I act that way sometimes (but her more than me).

Matthew Fox seems like he'd be serious, but maybe you just have to draw out that funny side. And I agree with you...a sense of humor makes all the difference!

At 1:48 AM, Blogger Swishy said...

Thank you, everyone! I loooove my blog friends! I really do.

At 2:23 PM, Blogger Karen said...

sgqOK, wait. You TALKED to Matthew Fox? In person? Really? I watch Lost and I'm not a gigantic fan (don't get me started on where they went wrong) but still, it's Matthew Fox.

I loved, loved, loved the story about the Corvette. I'm just bopping around your recent posts while waiting for my laundry load to finish. (Life is so glamorous.)

Hope you're having a good day.


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