Get this: Thursday night, I throw on a skirt and notice this big bruise spanning nearly the entire width of my left thigh, right above the knee. I have no idea how or when I got it. I kinda, sorta, vaguely remember bumping into something in the middle of the night, but what else is new--I probably do that every other night.
So then Friday morning I wake up, and there are two new bruises on my right thigh in about the same place. There's also a small bruise on my right hand and another bruise on my left wrist.
Saturday morning, I wake up and the bruise on my wrist is bigger, and there's another one on my right leg. They're multiplying like jackrabbits in heat. They don't hurt. The ones on my right leg are black and blue, but the other ones started off that dull brown color, the way they usually look after they've been there a few days. I'm completely obsessed with them. Like, COMPLETELY. I look at them every two seconds. I take their pictures and hang them up on the fridge. I can't get enough of them.
So far I've resisted the temptation to Google "rapidly multiplying bruises" and see how many different, potentially fatal, blood diseases I could be suffering from, because I actually think the real explanation must be that I've been sleepwalking my way to fight club every night.
But shhhh! You know what the first rule of fight club is. I'll totally deny we had this conversation if it comes up.