Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Scenes from a coffee shop

As I'm sure many of you know, electrical outlets are hot commodities at coffee shops. I want one. I can't have one. There are only two outlets, and both are being used. I walk behind one of the laptop users to get a straw, and naturally, I glance at her screen to see exactly what she's doing that is so important it's depriving me of an electrical outlet. Solitaire, that's what. I'm serious. She's playing SOLITAIRE. And LOSING.


There's a guy sitting diagonally from me. Within the space of five minutes, he got up, went to the bathroom, sat back down at his table, put headphones on, and is now sleeping. SLEEPING. Not just sleeping, but sleeping sitting up. And not just sleeping sitting up, either, but snoring. LOUDLY.

Let me recap: This guy is actually snoring in the middle of a crowded coffee shop. And not in one of those plush, comfy chairs, either. In one of those little steel-backed, dinette-type chairs at a round table.

He must be really tired. If I were him, I'd at least go sleep in the car.


There is a man who sounds just like Sean Connery, minus the accent. I know that sounds weird, but he really does. That's how I noticed him in the first place--I was like, "Oh my gosh, that sounds like Sean Connery doing an American accent!" He's probably 70 or so, and is on what appears to be a first date. It's so funny to hear old people on dates, because they have absolutely no patience for bullshit. They've been to the circus and they've seen the tricks. There's no time for that when the clock of life is ticking and there's a stash of Viagra at home. If they see something they like, and that something likes them back, they're grabbing on tight and never letting go. It must be a nice way to live.


Solitaire Girl has left! The electrical outlet is MINE!


The snoring man woke up and got himself a Coke and some pretzels. He moved tables and asked if he could share the outlet with me. (Solitaire Girl was using both plugs.) Tee hee.


OK, so a guy just walked in carrying an orange man purse. Not a shoulder bag or a knapsack, but a man purse. And he TOTALLY caught me looking at him (actually, looking at the man purse) and smiled. He met up with another guy and they're looking at pictures together on the one guy's computer. I am DYING to casually walk behind them and see what they're looking at (gay porn?), but since he already caught me looking once, I'm scared I'm going to get busted.

I know. I KNOW! You're like, "Swishy! You have to go do it!" I know, otherwise we'll all die of curiosity. I'm being a wuss. Just ... hang on. I will. I have to come up with a good strategy first.

Ahhhhh! He just looked at me again! Either he knows I'm totally writing about him, or he thinks I like him because I keep looking over, which OF COURSE I don't because he's carrying a freaking MAN PURSE!

OK, I'm going. I'm going to pretend to make a phone call.

HAHAHAHAHA. I'm back. OK, the first thing is, if you're going to pretend to be taking a call, it's good to, oh, TALK. I remembered, like, 25 seconds in that I was supposed to at least be "uh-huh-ing."

So guess what they were looking at. JUST GUESS. OK, I'll tell you: trees. They were looking at pictures of trees. I swear. You know, sometimes the mystery really is better than the reality.


Holy crap--MAN PURSE JUST CAME OVER TO TALK TO ME! HA HA HA HA HA. OK, this is how it went down:

Man Purse: So how come your shirt says "Seriously"?
Me: Um, I really like this show Grey's Anatomy, and they say "seriously" all the time on it. My friend got it for me for my birthday.
Man Purse: Oh, OK. I thought it was because you are SERIOUSLY HOT. (I swear on my life he said that. This is the point where I lose it.)
Me: Ha ha ha ha ha. Uh, no.
Man Purse: You have the greatest laugh! People must compliment you on it all the time.
Me: Ha ha ha ha ha. Thanks.
Man Purse: So do you live around here?
Me: Ha ha ha ha ha. Um, kinda.
Man Purse: I'm Todd.
Me: Ha ha ha ha ha. Swishy.
Man Purse: Nice to meet you, Swishy.
Me. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Basically, that whole conversation consisted of me cracking up and praying to God he wasn't going to look at my computer and see "man purse" anywhere.

I'm seriously confused. I could have sworn he was gay. Not to mention, I haven't showered today, I'm wearing the same clothes I wore yesterday, and I'm not wearing a bit of makeup.

Ohhhhh shit! Here he comes again!

Man Purse: I think you should have lunch or dinner with me sometime really soon.
Me: (I'll spare you the "ha's" but needless to say I'm still laughing.) Oh, you do, huh?
Man Purse: Yes. SOON.
Me: OK, give me your number. (Before you yell at me, this is A THOUSAND times better than giving him mine, plus it saves us both the embarrassment of a public "Um ... I'll pass.")

So I scribble down his number, and too late, I realize I wrote it on the same paper that says "My Master To-Do list" on the top. I guess he'll have to be the one thing on the list I don't do.

I seriously can't stop laughing. This is SO not the blog entry I started off writing.


At 1:03 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG! Hilarious. Can you imagine if you did go out with him...would he bring the orange man purse? hee

At 7:21 AM, Blogger Beth said...

first of all, was it a great looking orange purse? Cuz if it was, you SO have to go out with him to find out where he got it!

second of all, you SO have to go out with him, cuz it would make really good reading!!! Come on swishy, do it, do it DO IT!!!

At 8:29 AM, Blogger Karitown said...

I can't stop laughing. You are so damn funny. And yes, I want to hear all about it, so you have to go out with him. Orange purse? Holy crap.

At 8:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

See? Good things happen in coffee shops chatting over lattes and laptops. And a purse makes so much sense I don't know why more men don't carry one...even orange ones. It is fall after all.

Go Swishy!!!

At 9:30 AM, Blogger Boo7 said...

Hehehe GREAT post Swishy....love the play by play of your time in the coffee shop....I felt like I was there, watching as it all unfolded....too funny!!!

and roflmao Trish!!! remember when our one bro used to use his black lil square man purse??....when he was in Europe where lotsa guys do have man purses.

At 9:50 AM, Blogger Trish Ryan said...

You realize, don't you, that now you HAVE to go out with him? We, your reading public, need more! We need to know WHY he carries a man purse - would he bring it on the date? Why orange? Was it a present from his sister? His mother? His friend who is sick of him getting all the chicks??? Think of it as investigative reporting!

At the very least, have him take you to that tapas place to buy you a good dinner. If he can afford a purse he can afford to treat you right :)

At 10:50 AM, Blogger kim said...

If he matched the purse to his shoes -- don't call. If the man purse complimented the rest of the look -- call him.

I need to know if he's serious with that purse or if he really thinks he's
fashion forward (is it like a David Arquette thing, or what?)

BTW-- I love Grey's Anatomy. I first watched it due to lack of other selection. I was prepared to pick it apart with my superior -- how things should be -- ness, instead, I loved it! I even bought the soundtrack.

At 7:06 PM, Blogger Two Roads said...

You are totally funny. I would have left when I didn't find an outlet and head over to Barnes & Noble. Good luck with OPG (orange purse guy)

At 10:01 PM, Blogger TTQ said...

It's Elaine from Seinfeld in a different diner, um coffee house and it's 2006. This is exactly where they should pick back up the show. Seriously.

heehee OPG from the comment before mine.
Are you down with OPG? Yeah, you know me..

At 10:52 PM, Blogger Manic Mom said...


Why didn't you ask him why he was looking at trees? You shoulda said, "So, I saw you had some 'wood' over there!"

I'm going to IM you! IMISSYOU!

At 10:53 PM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

FUCK! you are not online. okay, now i hate you!

What did he look like? You should call him! Go out if only for some more 'research' for your book.

Got a title for you too: Orange Man Purse Guy... if that's not a best-seller!!!!

At 10:57 PM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

Okay, I think I speak for ALL of your readers, as your BBFF, and I just have to say, you NEED to call him and go out with him. This is like a sitcom where it's to be continued, yet we do not know if it will be continued, so CALL HIM, tell him your friends think you should go out with him.

I wanna know more about Orange-Man-Purse Guy...

This to investigate while on date:

Why were they looking at trees?

What exactly is in that purse?

There's so much you can discover here, and what if you fall in love, and then a few months later, you can tell him you thought he was gay and that his orange-man-purse was totally flaming!

Oh, and he was so right on about your laugh--it's BEAUTIFUL, inflecting (is that a word), sincere, real, hilarious.

Seriously, guys. Swishy laughing just makes you want to laugh harder!

At 11:07 PM, Anonymous Eileen said...

Hey dating a guy who has a man bag means you could give him all your shit to carry. How cool would that be?

And btw- you are hot.

At 12:53 AM, Blogger Swishy said...

You guys never fail to totally crack me up! You should see me, just totally giggling at my computer. Laughing so hard I'm totally overusing the word "totally."

The consensus appears to be unanimous. OK, maybe. MAYBE.

At 12:55 AM, Blogger Swishy said...

OK, seriously. Just read through again, and am DYING laughing.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

At 11:16 AM, Blogger Two Roads said...

Eileen has the best suggestion yet! Give him all your stuff to carry - priceless! I am totally laughing at my computer.

At 2:31 PM, Blogger Barbie W said...

OMG!! What a hysterical post Swishy!! I decided to take a "mental" break at work and I'm glad I did. I laughed so hard my eyes watered!

so....did you call?

At 7:57 PM, Blogger kim said...

My daughter was on barbie.com today and they have a section where you can dress the dolls (in the "My Scene" section, shopping game, pic nic option) If you choose the boy doll, guess what a couple of his accessory choices are...that's right -- purses!


Post a Comment

<< Home