Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Friday, October 27, 2006

The Orange Purse Man and other updates

I've been totally remiss, I know. How can I give a play-by-play of the whole Orange Man Purse saga and then not follow up?

I'll tell you why: because I'm LAME! Here's what happened. He came back that day after he'd left, and said, "You know what? I think you should give me your number, too." I NEVER know what to do in those situations--fake number? real number? home? cell? what?--so I scribbled down my cell and off he went. Two days later he called and asked me out for sushi. Besides the fact I think I'd rather die than eat sushi (I have the culinary sophistication of a 4-year-old), I already had plans for that night. A few days after that, he called and left a message. I was in the middle of a crappy week, so I didn't call back. Yesterday he called again and left a message: "Swishy, it's Todd. Call me." I haven't called back yet ... why? I HAVE NO GOOD REASON WHY.

See? I told you I was lame. Commence the stone-throwing.

* My friend told me what a loser I was for not sharing a very good bad date story last week when I asked you for yours. So I'll throw out a couple. When I was a junior in high school, this guy (J.) from another school asked me to his senior prom. I didn't really like him like that, but my friend (Girl) was going with his friend (Boy)--also platonically--and where I'm from (New Jersey) proms are a HUGE deal, so I was like, yeah, I'll go.

We get to the prom (at a hotel ... how convenient), and the very first thing I see when I walk in--the VERY first thing, before I can take in the decorations, the crowd, the music, the anything--is a girl wearing the exact same dress. The EXACT same dress. I didn't really care, but she was PISSED that some bitch from another school showed up in her dress. The entire night, she kept talking trash about me and walking by and giving me dirty looks. And I swear she bumped me on purpose once when she walked past me on the dance floor. After a while, the four of us (me, Boy, Girl, J.) ended up hanging out by the hotel bar, and J. started getting handsy, handsy, handsy. I'm trying to be nice about it, because it IS his prom night after all, but I mean, I DON'T LIKE HIM LIKE THAT!

Fast forward past the awkwardness to after the prom. We're going somewhere the next day, but for the night we're all crashing at Boy's house. No one else is home. I'm supposed to be sharing a room with Girl, because, you know, NEITHER OF US LIKES THE GUYS LIKE THAT. But first we decide to watch a movie, so I get in my jammies and get settled on the couch, she's settled on the floor, the guys are settled near us, and it's all good. I doze off. Next thing you know, I wake up to hear Boy and Girl humping on the floor next to me, and J. is lying next to me on the couch LICKING my LIPS with his TONGUE. I was seriously freaked out. I had NO idea how long he'd been licking my face like an ice cream cone, I didn't know if I'd been making any weird noises in my sleep, and, most important, I didn't know if I'd been doing anything BACK in my sleep. Plus, HELLO! BOY AND GIRL ARE HUMPING ON THE FLOOR NEXT TO ME. SINCE WHEN DO THEY LIKE EACH OTHER?!? I almost died, I really did. I was pretending to still be asleep and I was like, what do I do, what do I do, what do I do ... J. got up to go to the bathroom--THANK GOODNESS--and I rolled over so my face was smashed against the couch and pretended to be asleep. He tried rolling me over and spooning me from behind for like a half an hour before he finally gave up. The next day, after yelling at Girl for HUMPING ON THE FLOOR NEXT TO ME, I told her about J. What does she do? She tells Boy, who tells J. Who took that as a sign to try to make another move. It was an excruciatingly awkward weekend. Making matters worse is that my mom kept trying to push J. on me for MONTHS after the prom. She seriously sat me down once and lectured me for not going out with him, because he was SUCH A NICE GUY. I was like, oh my gosh, you have got to be kidding me.

Another one was in college. I was on one of many "breaks" with my then-boyfriend, and I let myself get set up on a date with a hot guy who played on the lacrosse team. He WAS hot. AND smart. And happened to have the SAME NAME as my very newly ex-boyfriend, which completely freaked me out. If that wasn't bad enough, he took me to this gorgeous, very romantic canyon for a bonfire ... which my old boyfriend and I did ALL the time. Which is also where, ironically enough, we'd BROKEN UP the weekend before. It was the most miserable date ever. Did I mention that my ex-boyfriend had called me literally as the other guy was ringing my doorbell? Yeah. He had "accidentally" dialed my number instead of his brother's, although I think it was more like he wanted to know if Swishy was home crying in her ice cream on a Saturday night or out with a hot lacrosse player. I was so pissed, because this guy was hot and nice and smart and athletic and I completely blew it because I was so obsessed with thinking stuff like: "Omigosh, we sat on this exact rock" and "Omigosh, I can't believe he called me right as I was leaving! I wonder if he knew?!?" and "Omigosh, I wonder what he's doing tonight" and "Omigosh, what are the odds that lacrosse man would have the SAME NAME and take me to the SAME PLACE as him?" and blah blah blah. Dumb, Swishy, dumb. We got back together two weeks later and broke up for the 80th time (there were several more breakups to come) a month after that. Again--dumb, Swishy, dumb.

* In other updates, remember when I told you about my big, ambitious workout plan? Well, it was a little TOO ambitious. So I scaled it back, and tried to be a good little eater for at least MOST of the week, and I've lost six pounds. I'm three pounds away from my goal, but I'm (at long last) going to start back up with the weights and resistance stuff next week, so that'll probably tack a couple pounds back on.

Last night I was going to skip working out because I didn't get home from work until 8:30 and I was sooo tired, but then I flopped on the couch and flipped on the TV, and it was the Biggest Freaking Loser. How are you supposed to skip a workout when The Biggest Loser's on? You can't. You just can't. So I hauled myself over to the gym for a whopping 25 minutes so I wouldn't feel guilty. The Biggest Loser should be on TV every night. I'd be guilted into being in good shape for the rest of my life.

* Finally, my shoes are officially broken in. Yay! Now I just need to find a cute pair of black shoes for the winter and start the process all over.


At 8:53 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Swishy,hon...get on the phone right now and call him BACK! He likes you enough to keep checking in but he won't wait forever. And the only reason he asked you out for sushi is because it's trendy...maybe HE doesn't even really like it either but was betting that you would. So just tell him no thanks on the sushi but how about___tomorrow night?

Go Swishy :-)

At 8:57 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

And that prom date?

College break-up guy?
**shaking head**

It's time Swishy got some new shoes and went on a date...

At 10:56 AM, Blogger Trish Ryan said...

You lost SIX POUNDS by eating right for a WEEK? No fair, no fair, no fair!!! The next time I work up the energy to get fit, I'm coming out to the midwest - the air there is more conducive to fitness :)

And while you're all skinny, CALL HIM BACK!!!

At 10:57 AM, Blogger Two Roads said...

Swishy we really need to know if he's going to show up with the orange bag and how you're going to handle it. Call him back! This is a perfect blog story.

At 11:06 AM, Blogger kim said...

I have no advice about orange purse guy -- I was never good at dating, setting them up, going on them. Oh! But my friend just did a lunch date and she highly recommends lunch dates over dinner -- less aukward she says (no good night kiss weirdness).

The prom date -- ick -- reminded me of a gross experience. It wasn't a date, it was drunkeness -- we went to party with college friends and stayed at their off campus house. Our friend's roomate crawled in bed with me and begged me to let him suck my toes. I said NO WAY but later woke to him sucking on them THROUGH MY SOCKS!!!

At 2:30 PM, Blogger Swishy said...

I know, I know--I was a dumb, dumb college girl then. I'm better now! I've evolved! I've matured! Well, kinda. Not really. Ha ha.

Trish Ryan, NOT in a week! I mean, like, the first three or four days of the week I'm good, and then I slack and eat whatever I want once it gets close to the weekend. So we're talking a couple weeks. I WISH one week!

Kim, he SUCKED on your TOES through your SOCKS?!?!? Sick!!!! Ha ha ha ha ha. I'm, like, laughing and gagging at the same time.

At 4:36 PM, Blogger Beth said...

call purse man back Swishy!!! We all want to hear about it....just hink of it as "work" for your blog.

And I want a picture of your shoes! i love shoes. Love, love ,love shoes.

And there is NO WAY I could let someone lick my face! EWWWWWWW!

At 6:24 PM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

Chant with me girls:

Purse Man! Purse Man! Purse Man! Purse Man!

I will hate you if you don't. I want a good story.

At 9:59 PM, Blogger TTQ said...

My feet are rebelling after two days of tennis shoes..My big toe feels scrunched and painful, I inspected my pedicure to make sure she didn't cut the nail wrong. My feet don't want to be in anything but cute sandals

At 12:06 PM, Blogger kim said...

Through socks that had been on feet that were jamming to Rob Halford all night. We were in town to see Judas Priest -- so these socks were not on the feet of a casual night outer -- these socks had been rocked.

He's probably grown up and paying extra for toe jam these days.

At 1:55 PM, Blogger Jen-t said...

well now, sounds like your prom was very much like mine, except a little different. I caught my date "humping" someone elses date. Kind of pissed me off. But I got my revenge.

At 4:20 PM, Blogger Alyssa Goodnight said...

My vote would be to call him back...he sounds sweet and very into you! Not so sure about the man-purse though, and in orange?

As to prom boy--ick! But college-rebound guy sounded pretty good. Sorry you missed that opportunity!

At 4:50 PM, Blogger Swishy said...

Don't you love how everything becomes "Do it for the blog story!!!!" I totally think like that, too.

Jen, what was your revenge?!?

At 9:54 AM, Blogger Dating-Guru said...


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