Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Monday, October 16, 2006

I need some inspiration

I'm in the mood to hear about bad dates. It doesn't matter if it happened to you, or to your best friend, or to some woman you overheard in the bathroom at Burger King. I want to hear about 'em!

I'm trying to think of what my worst one would be. All of my best stories are about the guys I WOULDN'T go out with! My worst dates are actually really lame stories, because the worst thing to me is to be bored. At least with the crazy guys, you want to pay attention to every last detail so that you can do the story justice later. But the boring ones ... all you can do with the boring ones is look around the restaurant and make up stories about everyone else in your head to keep yourself entertained. That, and hope the night goes fast.

Here's the worst guy I kissed, how's that. I went out with this guy (who was a friend of my COUSIN's, no less) who spent the entire night trying to make sex bets with me. Like, "If I finish my dinner before you do, you have to blah blah blah for dessert." Um ... no. Thanks. I said I didn't feel well and had to go home; he tried to cure my mystery sore throat by ramming his tongue down it. And I do mean ramming. I swear I almost threw up. Special, huh?

OK, your turn. Story time!


At 11:56 PM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

Guess I'm up first huh? Geeze, I'm trying to think of something.... OH! How about when I was in 8th grade and my friend who was beautiful and popular was dating a ninth grader and they were going to go see the Richard Pryor movie called The Toy.

Her boyfriend was going to bring a friend, and she wanted me to go with. I went, and I knew the guy kind of. He was kind of cute (I think I'm gonna Google him now!), and this was like a first date ever for me. And he puts his hand like RIGHT ON MY COOTCHIE CROTCH area when the theater got dark.

Plus, my friend and her boyfriend decided they were going to sit elsewhere so I didn't even have her next to me for help.

I got scared. So I told him I was going to get a coke. I went out into the lobby and was sweating bullets, like WTF am I going to do. I can't go back in there. He might try to TOUCH ME!

Finally as I got my nerve up to go back in, I walked into the theater and Richard Pryor was doing a schtick on the kid in the movie (I think Pryor was his... what do you call those guys... like Mr. Bellevedere or that black guy who was in that sitcom who is like a servant to the young rich kids--what the hell are those guys called, or like the guy on Fresh Prince, someone named Jeeves or something--what the hell are those guys called???? Chauffer, chaperone? Door man? what are they called!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, the servant guy was talking to the young rich kid and there was the joke cuz his last name was Bates, and I walk into the movie when they're talking about "Master Bates," and I'm like 14 and I COULDN'T GO BACK AND SIT DOWN DURING THAT PART!

Finally, I went back to my seat, and the guy asks where my drink was. I told him I drank it out there, then he put his hand like practically on my non-existent CHEST and I boldly took his hand and shoved it on his own lap.

I wonder how different my life would have turned out had I went for the guy?

His name was Norman.

At 12:02 AM, Blogger Karitown said...

My worst date was my very first date. I think we were in 8th grade, or maybe it was 7th. He took me to the movies and his brother drove AND sat in between us. Pathetic. I'm not that old, folks. And certainly not old fashioned. Needless to say it was our last date. Then the kids kept writing songs about me. Ugh.

Another time I went to visit this kid in the hospital who fell a hundred feet. His back was messed up and he was in traction. My sister dated his older brother so I felt bad for him. That was it. Well, he gave me flowers in school during the middle of class, and then held a missletoe over my head and tried to kiss me in the middle of the lunch room. I was soooo embarrassed. So much for being nice.

At 12:29 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My worst date was my first and only blind date. It was a cop and he picked me up in one of those muscle men cars and preceded to take me to the one restaurant that I told him I didn't like. We sat in traffic forever, while he talked about his CAR, the entire time. Finally he zipped out of the traffic and we went to a diff restaurant (THANK GOODNESS) but the Fool took it upon himself to order for me--didn't ask me what I wanted or liked, just upped and ordered my food for me.
He was a big dopey chauvanistic (sp?) pig head.

At 6:29 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm boring never really had a bad date... sorry no story here....


At 8:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

hmmm I guess my worst was more awkward than anything because I had kind of implied to this guy that I was single (I wasn't) and he asked me out for coffee. I don't have a very good poker face so it was pretty obvious that I was uncomfortable being there and it wasn't long until he said

"you've got a boyfriend already don't you?"



God, did I feel like a twit.

At 11:05 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

HA! I think Swishy may have heard this before. It was my Jr. Prom. President of the chior asked me to the prom before the really cute boy I wanted to go with did. My mother convinced me that it was only fair that I go with the choir boy. This happened to be the Prom that I was the chair for. So after I finished early preparations I raced home to find out that my date was coming an hour early... in like 15 minutes. So as I tried to get ready I'm already crying. When I finally make my way out of the bathroom, eyes slightly red from the crying, chior boy comes over and gives me one of those sleezy back rubs and tells me that I look nice (cringe). I make my way out to his huge truck and try to climb in I pop a hole in my formal. He takes me to the chior teachers house(!!) for our dinner with his choir friends. They ordered Chinese and decide that it would be more fun to eat with chopsticks. Sweet and Sour pork all over formal dresses is not so cute before the dance even gets started.
We prepare to leave for the dance and the limo they ordered arrives... the chior boys procede to tell the driver to take them on the "Cruise". Are you kidding? "The Cruise"?! Kill me now. They are hanging out the top of the sun roof like a bad 80's flick. (The cruise is normally reserved for cowboys, hoods and ho's. It's Idaho, sad but true.)
By the time we arrive at the dance I'm crazed. My parents are already there to chaparone, I want to hang out with them the rest of the night. Every dance the chior boy sings to me, and every other person in the dance. I mean it is LOUD!
Time for Pictures, again with the sleezy back rub. I really want to get something acute and have to leave.
Finally after another trip on the cruise he takes me home. I fake like I have to pee and run inside so that I do not have to kiss, or talk to chior boy again.
He now is a car dealer. HA! Still sleezy.

At 12:08 PM, Blogger Two Roads said...

Okay I'll come back an write about the bad date later. Just want to give you and Manic grief over my now current addiction to Google Image Label. Geez, what would I do without you two to help me pine away my day!! Thanks!

At 12:51 PM, Blogger Trish Ryan said...

Oh, where to begin?
There was the guy who asked me to dinner, then took me to the food court in the mall. While ordering himself two slices of pepperoni, he turned and asked me, "Aren't you going to get yourself anything? I think there's Thai food on the other side..." Sigh.

Then there was the blind date who arrived with his keys AND his phone AND his pager AND a flashlight (??) attached to his belt, and a polyester dress shirt unbuttoned to his waist to expose a gold italian horn nestled in where his pecs were supposed to be. I started talking about an imaginary Constitutional Law exam I had to get home to study for the minute we left the house.

Good times.

At 12:57 PM, Blogger Beth said...

Okay, I went on this date with this guy who was quite a bit older tham me...I was 22 and he was 38...eh..he had some money, and was almost okay looking but you couldn't see his teeth when he talked and I love teeth, so anyway...his idea of a dte was to go to the bar where he and his ex used to go all the time so he could show everyone he was with someone else. so I get up to go to the bathroom, and some woman comes in and tells me that "the guy you're with is in a fight!"

I walk out and he is getting his ass KICKED by the guy who was currently dating his ex..he was all bloody and crap....so we leave and go to a gas station so he can wash all the blood off of him. I said, take me home, then he proceeds to strangle me by shoving his tongue down my throat.

Worst date ever and I never went out with him again.

At 2:05 PM, Blogger Two Roads said...

Ok back for a worst date story. My Mom fixed me up with her friend's son. I think he was about 8 years older than me (which now doesn't bother me but when I was 29 the age difference seemed huge!). Anyway, he wants to play golf. I try to explain to him that I "play" golf but cannot take my playing seriously. He shows up in his beatup red Corvette. Again at the time I hated Corvettes (especially those made during the 1970's) and it wasn't even nice - it was beat up. He is immediately coming on to me and I'm thinking how can I cut this date short. It turned out to be one of the hottest days of the summer but thankfully by the time we got to the ninth hole it had begun to rain. Meanwhile the comeons were getting cheesy - Oh look you're sweating - you look so pretty with perspiration melting your makeup down your face. UGH! When it started to rain I told him I thought it was a good idea to stop playing, I was extremely hot (and I'm not talking sexually) and needed something cold to drink. He wanted ice cream so we ended up at Hagen Daaz. I downed my cup and told him politely that I was now tired and wanted to go home. He tried to kiss me - which thankfully I was able to get the cheek turned quickly. He must have called 3 or 4 times after that. I wouldn't answer the phone for about a month (this was before caller id) so I was screening my calls with my answering machine.

I hate remembering bad dates.

At 2:22 PM, Blogger Andie said...

my junior prom was the suckiest date ever. at dinner before the prom, when the check comes, he looks at me and says "i hope you have money."


At 3:43 PM, Blogger Karen said...

Worst date ever. Wow. Just one? ;) Has to be the Sadie Hawkins Dance in 10th grade. My date spent most of the night ignoring me. I went in the bathroom to cry and my cousin threatened to beat him up. Then when we finally did dance he said, "Gee Spud (my h.s. nickname), your hair smells terrific." On the ride home, he sat up front with my dad. I sat in back alone. Wow, that sounds even more pathetic when you write it all out.

At 8:10 PM, Blogger Drew Blackstone said...

I cannot beleive that all these girls remember me. What are the odds?

At 11:06 PM, Anonymous Eileen said...

He picked me up and gave me a 7-11 rose and a teddy bear. He drove a camero. The tape deck had Air Supply on it. As he drove he revved his engine and asked me if speed made me hot. Then we went to dinner. He ordered a water and told me that he already had dinner with his mom before be picked me up. I shit you not.

At 11:34 PM, Blogger Swishy said...

Oh, my gosh, HILARIOUS stories! In a cringe-worthy kind of way.

I was informed that I need to cough up a better story of my own, so I promise I will later this week.

At 4:51 PM, Blogger Jess Riley said...

I could go on and on about some of the creeps I've dated, but the situation that always makes me cringe happened my freshman year in college. I went on a date with a very cool guy, and since I was getting over a bad cold, I had that frantic dry-cough thing going the whole night. I would try to suppress it and tears actually welled in my eyes. Very sexy, I'm sure. He never called again.

At 12:12 AM, Blogger Sara Hantz said...

OMG these stories are so funny. And my mind's blank..... or were all my dates perfect... hahahahaahah


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