Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Monday, September 04, 2006

Mish mosh b'gosh

OK, first things first: I am totally freaked out that the Crocodile Hunter is dead. I'm always freaked out whenever someone dies young, even people who do crazy things like wrestle with crocodiles. But my little brother used to watch that show all the time! My sister even gave him a talking Crocodile Hunter doll for Christmas one year.

So that's sad. Anyway. I went to my parents' house this weekend for a quick, two-day trip. I basically slept the entire time, though, because I was all doped up on Nyquil. "You're SO LAME!" my sister kept saying. "You're always SLEEPING!"

Yes, I was lame. I also felt like I'd been hit by a truck, a truck which then parked itself squarely on my chest. Thankfully, all that's left is a cough and the feeling that I could very easily sleep for 12 hours straight. Because I don't think the world can handle any more Swishy whining.

Some highlights from my few lucid moments:

I'm on the phone, waiting by the baggage carousel for my suitcase.

Me: Whatever. Like, who wants to go out with a guy who's only 5-8?

Glance to the side, and there's a guy standing RIGHT next to me who barely comes up to my shoulder (I'm 5-7). He's glaring at me with the biggest "You're a superficial bitch" look ever. I react by turning really red and pursing my lips together to hold in my laughter. Then I try to whisper into the phone what just happened. It's all very smooth on my part.


We're all watching college football, and my sister the sports fanatic (ha) spots someone in the crowd holding up the letter "D" and a section of white picket fence. "Ohhh, I get it!" she exclaims triumphantly. "D-Gate!"


It took all of six seconds for my brother to try to pick a political fight with me, which apparently is his new favorite pastime. It doesn't matter whether you agree with him or not, he'll still find a way to debate it.

Brother: If there was a proposal to legalize gay marriage, would you vote in favor of it?
Me: We're not having this conversation.
Brother: I'm just saying. IF.
Me: We already had that vote in our state. I don't even think I voted.
Brother: You don't VOTE?
Me: I vote SOMETIMES. I don't vote ALL the time.
Brother: Oh, so you hate America?
Me: Clearly, I don't hate America, or I would have tried to sneak toothpaste and moisturizer on the airplane.

(Ten minutes later.)

Brother: So would you?
Me: Would I WHAT?
Brother: Vote in favor of gay marriage?
Brother: OK, what about the morning-after pill? What's your position on that?
Me: I'm too sick for this crap.


I visited my very first IKEA today. My other brother took me there on a field trip before I had to catch my plane. Holy CRAP, can you do some damage in that place. It's insane. I brought home a fat, 370-page catalogue and plan to see what kind of damage I can do that way. Like, for example, there's this one really cute lamp ... and it's only $24.99! WHERE HAS THIS PLACE BEEN ALL MY LIFE?


I got stuck in between the two chattiest guys on the entire plane on the way home. It was like Twenty Questions, the Swishy edition.

"So, what do you do for a living?"
"How long have you worked there?"
"Where did you live before that?"
"Where did you go to college?"
"Do you travel often?"
"What are you reading?"
"Do you have a ride home?"
"Are you a member of the Mile High Club?"

Just kidding on the last one. But it was CRAZY! One would ask a question, then the other one. Back and forth, back and forth, like a tennis match. Meanwhile, I have a book open on my lap that I'm TRYING to read. Finally, I reached down for my laptop and pulled up my long-neglected revisions ... and the guy on the right starts READING OUT LOUD what's on my screen as I type! I was like, seriously, are you KIDDING me? It's one thing to be nosy and read what's on someone else's screen, but to do it OUT LOUD?


I saw a Grey's Anatomy/Entertainment Weekly special this afternoon. It was just, like, randomly on ABC. I am so excited for the new season I can barely stand it. I'm not kidding. I watched the special in my parents' room and it made me start doing little jumps up and down on their bed like I was a 5-year-old. I'm sure I'll have plenty more to say about that in the next 17 days AND COUNTING!

But now I have to go get a jump on that 12 hours of sleep.


At 10:44 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

An IKEA virgin?

The place is like house-porn. We go in there occaisionally for stuff we need and come out like 4 hours later after I have had a good look at all their homey displays. And then I usually discover stuff I didn't even know I needed.

Very dangerous place.

At 6:43 PM, Blogger TTQ said...

Ikea ROCKS.. I too made my first trip to one this month, i had seen it in catalogs and even mom and sis had stuff from there..
Crocodile Hunter- I was surprised to see you were the only blog talking about it. The dude had it coming! That's was my honey and I were talking about, I mean really how long can you get away with the crap he did?
Nyquil- mom's favorite after dinner cordial! Just kidding! I just like to yank her chain about it! She gets all upset..
Glad you were well enough to visit with family!
FALL SHOWS!! I NEED THEN N.O.W.! I'm dying over here, my dvr is full of reruns, netflix movies I 've chosen aren't cutting it! I want to be in my bed by myself losing myself in those tv land worlds I love so much. SHH..noo talking TTQ is watching HER shows!!!

At 7:08 PM, Blogger mama kay said...

Ikea .. I love Ikea.. I am on thier site right now trying to find shelves. It is dangerous, like Trish said. Everything is so cheap that you think you have to get it all ..

Swishy must be icredibly cute to have the tennis boys asking so many ?'s .. but the reading out loud - yea, that's rude.

At 10:57 PM, Anonymous Eileen said...

Ikea is basically Swedish furniture porn.

At 12:13 AM, Blogger kathrynoh said...

I love Ikea. I want to move in and live there forever, eating Swedish meatballs for dinner.

The dude on the plane sounds awful. I'd have started typing stuff like "I'm a big jerk...", that would have shown him.

At 4:35 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I too am an Ikea fan!!! Love it love it love it....

And the poor Crocodile man!!! That is sooooo Sad I feel for his little family... His daughter so worshiped him!!


At 6:09 AM, Blogger Hotwire said...

wow, i'm glad i'm not 5' 8"!
i'm a least a whole inch taller than that...

At 11:49 AM, Blogger bitchboys said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

At 2:21 PM, Blogger Trish Ryan said...

A word to the wise: don't order anything from IKEA requiring assembly unless you have HOURS of free time on your hands and a full array of power tools.

But if you're looking for a way to procrastinate, I highly recommend the floor-to-ceiling bookcases!

At 5:59 PM, Blogger Swishy said...

Hotwire, I'm not QUITE as snotty as I sound--one of my favorite boyfriends was right around that height.

Is there an IKEA Addicts Anonymous? Because from the sounds of it, I might be needing one.

At 7:09 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL at your phone convo @ the airport and 'D-GATE'...hee hee.
Yah 17 more days for Grey's--that is way too long for us to wait and then there is a whole month wait for LOST...ugh, what is up with ABC making us addicts wait?!?
IKEA does rock.

At 9:14 PM, Blogger Karitown said...

Okay, I'm hooked. You all were right when you said blogging was addictive. So that means I'll get even less writing in. Ugh!!! Anyway, great blog.

At 9:37 PM, Blogger Beth said...

Hi, my name is Beth and I, too, am addicted to Ikea. They have fantastic stuff, don't they?

At 10:48 PM, Blogger Boo7 said...

Roflmao love all the IKEA comments....house porn...furniture porn!! It really is true...and as for the comment about moving into an IKEA and living there forever....count me in!!!!

IKEA is one of those places I am not "allowed" to go into alone hehe kind of like the candle moratorium that has been declared at my house....I am not allowed to buy any more candles till I use up some of the insane amounts of ones I already have!!!!

So yes for my own safety I have to go to IKEA with someone else....or I start drooling and aimlessly wandering and filling up carts and not being heard from by the outside world!!!

At 11:25 PM, Blogger Swishy said...

You guys are cracking me up! Such funny little IKEA addicts. I love it!

Boo, I'm addicted to candles too. I have them all over the place. (Vanilla ones. And cinnamon. Yummmmy!)

At 1:53 AM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

You just crack me up. I could so be gay with you, but in a non-sexual way, well maybe. I'm cracking up right now. But really, your mind works the same as mine.

I don't vote either. What's the point!

Oh, and when you come visit me, in a non-gay way of course, you can go to the IKEA by my house!

You seriously crack me up! Swishy rules!

At 1:55 AM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

Okay, I just read everybody's comments which I hadn't done before I posted and see that you wrote the same thing as I did, YOU CRACK ME UP.

Then I see I said that like three times in my comment. But, well, ya do.

At 1:36 PM, Blogger Andie said...

I Heart IKEA.
Next time you go, get a cinnamon roll. OMG heaven.

I have to drive 6 hours to get the closest one to me. I always drop well over $100 there.


Post a Comment

<< Home