Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Monday, August 07, 2006

Oh, no you DIN'T

I call my parents yesterday and my brother picks up. He's a little crazy, as in a lot crazy, but we love him anyway. Most of the time. I'm small-talking with him for a couple of minutes when the conversation takes a sharp, unexpected, utterly RANDOM turn.

Brother: So are you dating anyone?
(This is random in itself, as I believe this is the first time he has EVER asked me such a question.)
Me: And by dating you mean ...
Brother: Do you have a boyfriend?
Me: You mean, have I gone to the boyfriend store lately to pick out something nice for myself? Nope, haven't made it over there yet. It's definitely on the to-do list, though, after I pick up some toilet paper and hit the dry cleaners.
Brother: Your biological clock is ticking, you know.
(This is the part where Swishy almost drives off the side of the road at 70 mph.)
Me: EXCUSE me?
Brother: Your biological clock is ticking.
(OK, he's 21. Talking about biological clocks.)
Brother: I'm just saying.
Me: Did you REALLY just tell me my BIOLOGICAL CLOCK is TICKING? I cannot WAIT to tell everyone you said that. Oh, and also share with them the good news that apparently sometime in the past few months you became a FERTILITY DOCTOR, too.
Brother (backtracking): I'm just kidding.
Me: Bullllllshit.
Brother: I am ... but, I mean, it IS kinda ticking.
Me: I'm SO calling everyone else in the family right this second and telling them what a FREAK you are.

(Which I did. I don't think I need to tell you how my two sisters responded.)

Now, I didn't start my period yesterday, but trust me--I have a few years before I need to start clearing out space in the freezer for some eggs. But according to my brother, the guy who despite growing up with three sisters probably wouldn't know what a tampon was if it was stuck in his ear, there are tumbleweeds dancing across my barren womb.

This is a kid who used to sleep with a sock on his head. Did I mention that? A sock. Across his forehead. Positioned just so. For YEARS. So, no, I do not take seriously one thing that comes out of his mouth.


At 2:32 AM, Blogger TTQ said...

Too funny, my hubby's older sisters always call him a FREAK and this is after he sobered up and went into recovery! Must be something about having older sisters that screws up the youngest child:-)I can only imagine him drinking, the stories aren't real pretty..I think he broke every boundry including giving lap dances to unspecting dinner guests!

At 12:34 PM, Anonymous Eileen said...

Is your brother the baby of the family? Any chance your mom had him when her eggs were a bit past their "best by" date? It could explain a lot.

At 2:49 PM, Blogger Beth said...

A sock across his forehead? Like, a clean sock, or a dirty one? Cuz those dirty ones can do some damage ya know!

At 3:17 PM, Blogger mama kay said...

Well, I am glad you didn't take him seriously.
He's 21? SO in reality he is like 12. He probably just heard the term & wanted to see how it sounded .. boys!

At 12:30 AM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

I LOVE YOU! I am soooo cracking my ass up over here right now!

I just love you.

You know that right?

Come live with us!

At 12:26 PM, Blogger Andie said...

you really do make me laugh all the time.

your brother is a trip!

At 7:43 PM, Blogger Swishy said...

THANK YOU, everyone, for backing me up! Eileen, you TOTALLY made me spit out my water!! HA HA HA.

Clean white tube socks. Told you he was a freak!

I love you back MM! I'm packin'! And thanks, Andie :)

At 1:04 AM, Blogger Jess Riley said...

a sock on his head! LMAO...yeah, those younger siblings. You have to be careful.

I've got a tumbleweed & spiderweb conference in my womb. It's not so bad. lol

At 9:16 AM, Blogger slackermommy said...

Thanks for stopping by. I've been reading your blog and I love it. You are too funny!


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