Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Friday, July 14, 2006

Just another day at the office

This week, I helped to coordinate a little morale-boosting "treat week" in our office. Today was baked goods day (following popsicle day, breakfast day and munchie day). My co-coordinator sent out an email giving everyone a heads up about what time to pile in the lunch room for brownies and cookies and cake. She finished with this:

"There's a whole lot of sugary goodness to be had, so make sure you eat something decent for lunch. Nobody wants to break out puke sprinkles to close out Treat Week."

HA! You remember those, right? The sawdust-y stuff they used to sprinkle when someone barfed in elementary school? Every few months, someone brings up the puke sprinkles, which leads to a solid hour of vomit stories. And yet we still need treats to boost morale. Go figure.


I'm at lunch with a couple guys, and one asks about the Counting Crows concert: "Did they play Mr. Jones?"
Me: No! I was kind of surprised.
"You know that song's about his penis, right?"
Me, eyes wide in horror: NUH-UH!
Me: Seriously? (I think about it.) Mr. Jones and me, tell each other fairy tales ...
"Stare at the beautiful women ..."
Me: She's looking at you--no, she's got to be looking at me. ... Wow. I mean, MAYBE.

We go back to the office and do a little Internet research. This link debunks the theory, but I can guarantee I will never listen to that song again without at least considering the possibility.


Overheard in the lunch room during the grand finale of treat week: "Has anyone seen the fake poop? I want to put it on the soap dispenser in the bathroom."


I work with a guy (let's call him ... Guy) who likes to stand around and say nonsensical things. There's a TV by my desk, and he came over to watch for a minute.

Guy: That guy's butt is big.
Me: Do you like big butts?
Guy looks at me quizzically.
Me: And you cannot lie?
(A couple snickers over the cubicle wall.)
Guy: I like some butts.
Me: Let me ask you this: When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing, and it's in your face, do you get sprung?
Guy: OK, what are you talking about?
Me: GUY! Come on. You know that song.
Guy: What song?
Me: Baby Got Back! Sir Mix-A-Lot! Come ON!
Guy: Nope. Never heard it.
Me: And you call yourself an American.


At 9:03 AM, Blogger Manic Mom said...

I FREAKING LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Picture me cracking up at 7:57 a.m. in my office because you are so truly the funniest coolest chick I know!

Puke sprinkles!

Big Butts!

And now I too, will never listen to Mr. Jones the same way. Clever little song Adam, very clever.

OH, and you and I are like two peas seriously in one "F"ed up pod because seriously, everywhere I go to post, you are right there next to me. Fate.

Damn, I wish I was a lesbo!

You'd be my girlfriend, right?

I already know we're compatible in bed... LOLLOLOLOLOL xo

At 4:35 PM, Blogger Swishy said...

I FREAKING LOVE YOU BACK!!! I was just telling someone yesterday how hilarious you are, and I was like, "Plus, how many people would wait with me in a hotel lobby until 4 a.m. for a cute boy to come back?"

HA! And we ARE compatible in bed! You didn't hog the covers once! (Other people are going to read this and be like, "WTF?!" HA HA.)

WHY were you up at 7:57 on a Saturday??? Tell those kids to eat some Cheerios and watch TV!

At 4:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Was "Guy" the person that could have been "Crazy Jogger Guy"? Don't forget that the office is populated by a lot of middle aged white men who would classify Lionel Ritchie songs as "hip hop."

At 7:02 PM, Blogger Christa said...

HAH! This is what I'm missing out on by working alone. I even am jealous of my husband's latest at-work drama.

At 1:26 PM, Blogger Swishy said...

Yes, Anon, same guy! But this isn't, like, Public Enemy! It's freaking Sir Mix-A-Lot! (But Lionel Richie ... hahaha. I'm going to have "Hello" in my head all day.)

Thanks for stopping by, Christa!

At 6:33 PM, Blogger mama kay said...

YOu are far too clever and I am extremely jealous!
Although I am not sure what is funnier, your post or the comments about your post! :o)

At 10:38 PM, Blogger Allison Winn Scotch said...

BWAH!! Seriously cracking up over here.

Here's an interesting tidbit: if you have a kid who pukes on a plane, a lot of airlines have barf kits that also have that sawdust mixture. The things I learn when research articles...

(PS - Just got your questions! Thanks. I'll answer them on Tuesday.)

At 3:59 PM, Blogger Swishy said...

You guys are too, too nice :)

I can't believe they have puke sprinkles on planes! Thankfully, no one has ever puked (that I know of) on a plane I've been on. I can't imagine having to smell barf for two hours. Yuuuuuuuck!!

At 12:43 PM, Blogger Andie said...

omg that cracked me up.

thanks for the laughs!

At 1:02 PM, Blogger Rob said...

Hey, that's sexual harassment and Guy does not have to take it any more!

I bet he feels so cheap and degraded after you asked him about his spring. He is not a sex object you know!

(Manic told me I have to come read your "big butts" post. Yep, it was worth the search. )


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