Waiting for My Real Life to Begin

The life and times of a girl named Swishy.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

Plop, plop, fizz, fizz

As if it's not enough that I'm personally in the midst of the longest pseudo-move ever, my company moved to a new office a couple of weeks ago. It's very Office Space. It's also very high security. We need keycards to get from one room to another, from the working area to the bathroom--you know, because it's soooo dangerous working in a corporate park in the middle of the suburbs, and our 10-year-old computers are soooo valuable and the stuff we work on is soooo classified.

So anyway. Our first day there, I was ranting about the sky-high cubicle walls and the "velcro it to your hip or you'll lose it" security cards, and joked, "Gee, I wonder how long it'll take me to drop my keycard in the toilet."

The answer? Seven days.

I totally had to go, but I was holding it, because it's such an ordeal to go to the bathroom. You have to find your keycard, parade past the boss's office, walk through one locked door and cross the lobby. It's a pain. So I'm holding it, but I REALLY have to go, because I am, after all, a responsible eight-glasses-a-day kind of girl, so finally I bite the bullet. I slide my card in my back pocket, head to the potty, do my business, stand up to flush and ... PLOP.

Verrrry slowly, I turn around and there it is--my keycard, swimming in a sea of urine. Which, even if it IS my urine, is still sick. If I flush, I might clog up the toilet and make it overflow all over my flip-flopped feet. If I don't flush ... well, I have to flush eventually! Which means I have to fish it out. I wrap an eight-inch barrier of paper towels around my hand and use it to grab on to the little corner of the card sticking above water level. I throw it in the sink, start running the hot water and dump in a bunch of soap. Then I wrap another eight-inch barrier of paper towel around my hand to pull the card out of the sink and use it to let myself back in. (Yes, I used it to let myself in. What was I supposed to do?!?)

Me: I need a new keycard! I totally dropped mine in the toilet! In my PEE!!!
IT guy, looking at me like I have octopus arms sticking out of my head: Well, I've definitely never gotten THAT request before.

So I have a new keycard. So far, so good.


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